Priorities & Compromises

Epic Coffee

2012-02-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am returning to my blog today – feeling refreshed for the first time in almost a week. I believe the most important person to get to know during your life is yourself, and 25 years has taught me that practicing my literary skills when I have a temper is a recipe for disaster. As a wise woman once said, “are you sure you have a broken heart, or are you getting your period next week?” Sort your shit out.

I finally got some much needed personal space by being so callous and distant (sorry) that people starting leaving me the fuck alone. I am back to my cheerful self with enough empathetic capacity to be socially functional. I would be more than happy to hear about your struggle to choose the perfect whey protein, and I likely won’t visibly mock you when you turn the phrase “I ate a big meal after a hard workout,” to “I just slammed an epic post-wod recovery meal” … because the only thing crossfitters love more than microwave safe shoes is the epic ordinary.

I am trying to stay focused training like a bumble-horse, but I have concluded that my focus in training is inversely related to my ability to take myself seriously. fuck.

The internet is SUPER PUMPED UP about the CrossFit Games Opens. Recently, the CFG North Central Region Facebook page posted an open ended status update asking what last minute skills we were polishing to prepare for the opens... I considered the response, "getting strong enough to not be sooo shitty that I am a hindrance to my team if they are desperate enough to use me to compete." It’s funny, because it’s true. HAHAHA.

I am a believer in the theory that actions speak louder than words, and the only day of training I have missed in four months was due to simultaneously suffering from a broken toe and a kidney infection (what a terrible day). I honestly want to improve as fast as physically possible, and I am seeing the results that I work hard for. Training is going great, but girl power and sentimentalism just isn’t my style. I may still suck, but I have at least earned the right to tell jokes. Anyway, last time I checked, sarcasm is paleo, and sugar free.

Yoga will not make you fit. Period.

2012-01-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

When I started strength training I realized that I was a worthless, weak, sack of shit, but in my typical diplomatic style I held a "to each his own" stance on fitness.

Well, I am officially going to change my stance. To each his own on how you spend your time, but the only way to become a fit human is to do weight bearing work. "Doing cardio" is a nice way of saying you are too weak to pick up heavy stuff and move it around. Hopping around like five year old on crack to top 40 remixes is not going to make you fit. Neither is yoga.

I read "How yoga makes you fit" during my lunch break because I forgot my laptop and Pinterest has been boring today anyway. Here is my Spark Notes: It doesn't.

I love it when magazine articles provide such earth shattering info bits like, "The heft of scientific evidence shows that fitter people are less likely to suffer from heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and certain cancers." (Found in "Pump it Up" by Yoga Journal Staff in the February 2012 Issue)

Fit people are less likely to be sick... DUH. Not surprisingly, the article is unable to provide any scientific data backing up the inferred claim that a yoga practice improves fitness. I am really starting to wonder how this article made it past the editor, who is either a terrible critical reader, or is hoping that the entire reading audience is.

Settle down, I love yoga too. I actually have yoga to thank for my composure and ability to let go of frustration during tough workouts and situations in life. Yoga helps me calm my mind and practice releasing mental tension and frustration. A skill that transfers very well to real strenuous exercise. Yoga improves my flexibility (somewhat, but so does just stretching). Yoga is a fun and calming way to spend an hour. Yoga does not make you fit. A yoga practice can bring many powerful benefits into a person's life, but quit trying to hammer the nail with a screwdriver. Downward dog is not a skill transfer exercise for lifting a sandbag over your head. Get real.

I am going to be incorporating more yoga and stretching into my life because it is not physically possible to do any more intense training and I am as wound up as a tangled Slinky... but there is no way I am going to quit going "lion-mode" at the gym just because I have to buy bigger yoga pants and some vegan writer was high enough on patchouli and world peace to suggest that I could get fit without ever having to leave my comfortable, eco-friendly foam rectangle.

Namaste, bitches.

January 28th Will Go Down in History

2012-01-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

January 28th. It has been one year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I know this because Facebook let me know that it is his birthday. Funny, and true. (we're cool - friends on Facebook)

What is better than a good break up joke? Finally getting pull ups!! (Not joking here either, and nobody is surprised that I still get both sides of the bed every night).

If you are reading this, you are probably one of my exercise friends (because those are the only type of people who can stand me anymore) and you can probably do about 5000 unbroken pull ups. That rocks, but nobody is going to rain on my M.F. parade. When your toddler graduated from diapers to pull ups did you shame him for not being able to write his name in the snow? When I started training 14 weeks ago, I needed 75 pounds of assistance to move my body that weighed 20 pounds less. I graduated second grade, so I can tell you with confidence that this is a 95 pound improvement. I'll take it. NOW, there is work to be done. Ring dips, handstand push ups, muscle ups? Game on.

I spend about equal time glorifying and making fun of exercise. Clearly, I think my hobbies are better than other hobbies. Otherwise, I would do something else with my time. It is fun, and easy to make fun of CrossFit, until you need someone to help you move furniture. I am sorry that watching the Bachelor didn't prepare you move that antique oak dresser - should have thought of that before you made fun of my fucking pull up holiday.

So if you are physically able, celebrate with me. It's like Festivus. Everyone is welcome. Do a pull up, and give yourself a high five for being a physically competent human in a world that is drowning in gluttony, sloth, and apathy. Now go eat some bacon and have sex.

Clearing the Air - The Whole Team

2012-01-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I need to clear the air on this whole "B Team" business.

This is an interesting time to be CrossFitting. More specifically, this is an interesting time to be new to CrossFitting. A Reebok commercial aired today during the Packers/Giants game that signaled a monumental turning point in CrossFit as a grassroots, organic movement to a media bitch of a sport. Tomorrow, many people will make inquiries to local Crossfit affiliates looking for someone they can pay to make them look like the people in Womens/Mens Health Magazines. It isn't really hard to see what will happen. I forecast a positive correlation between box memberships and glorification of "woding your best" and wods to cure diseases (just eat Paleo and you can do more to prevent cancer).

The thing about commercialization is it doesn't scare away the crazy people. The sport/cult will see an increase in mediocre followers, but anyone who disregards something because of its popularity is as shallow as someone who follows something because of its popularity. People are always going to push the limits of human capacity in athletics because intrinsic motivation for greatness runs deep. Some still feel the itch. I am commercially apathetic, so I have had some mixed feelings about "the sport of fitness" going mainstream. Apathy wins out, I still don't care.

The thing I love about CrossFit is that it is purely competitive. When a group of people complete the same work, the time required to complete the work clearly determines the most powerful person. There is no room for interpretation. This brings me to my "point" on the "B TEAM"...

The "A Team" has a right to be distinguished from everyone else. They are awe inspiring athletes. I am so lucky and thankful to be able to be on the same team as athletes that are competitive on a global scale. CrossFit makes it possible for us all to be on the same team because the timed and competitive structure of the workouts makes it unnecessary to tell anyone how they stack up. It wasn't that making a B Team wasn't true, it's that it wasn't necessary. That being said, I have never given 100% on a workout and received anything but respect.

Today was the final day of a 21 day training cycle. It has been the hardest I have ever trained for anything in my life. Three months ago I struggled putting 35 pounds over my head, and today I get frustrated when I can't break 100. Although I am chasing the coat tails of my team, I am going to take a second to appreciate the fact that I am an exponentially more powerful woman than I was a few months ago. God help anyone who tries to take me on once I have enough time to let my body catch up with my ambition.

Luckily, I have the best team in the world that will push me to absolute edge of my athletic potential.

Credits:

A Team, B Team, B2 Team, Everyone at F2F

Fit 2 Fight CrossFit

819 S 7th Street

Omaha, NE

http://fit2fightomaha.com/index.php

(I did not get paid or told to do this)

Reporting from the B Team

2012-01-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to write today, but I am hostage beneath a bag of ice, and none of you fuckers are entertaining me on Facebook.

I was invited out for a drink with a good friend, and I really wanted to go raise a glass to the most painful week of my life, but I am in too much pain. Long story short, my left shoulder is mush and yesterday I had a nasty spasm in my right mid-back that has resulted in a knot the size of midget's fist. Luckily, I now have mandatory intimate sessions with a lacrosse ball several times a day. My life is so sexy.

I am not going to get all inspirational because that's the kind of stuff you do when it doesn't hurt anymore. I am going to be honest and admit that I have spent the greater part of the last 24 hours talking myself into continuing CrossFit. For the first time in 12 weeks, it started to feel "not worth it," and I really have no guarantee that it is worth it. I guess it's just some strange faith that I have since I am not religious otherwise.

So anyway, I am going to keep training. I got the okay from the chiropractor that I (probably) don't have a broken back, so I guess I will just keep at it because I know I will EVENTUALLY feel better and then I will be super freakin' awesome. Boom. In your face, A team.

I was planning on pulling the "I'm gonna watch - too hurt to workout" card, but there was never a good opportunity to bow out. I ended up pounding out a less than impressive "B Team" performance. Scaled weight and slower times. Kiss my ass. I am here and am sacrificing A LOT for this - obviously my social life and comfort to name a few. Forgive me for not giving you my Miss America smile. No offense beauty queens, but Miss America wouldn't even make the Z team.

I am in no way championing losers' pride. Being relegated to the B team and being called pathetic when my back is exploding just inspires some mixed emotions as I vacillate between rage and motivation. Did I get in over my head? Probably. Am I going to stop? Probably not. Stubborn, crazy, tough, pussy? Who knows? It doesn't matter, and I am too fucking tired to answer pointless questions.

My sincerest apologies to everyone who doesn't understand. If you want to worry about someone, maybe go find a smoker or someone who is lazy. There are only a few people in the world I take advice from, so if you aren't one of them, don't waste your time. Happy new year to the whole "team" of ten that made it to the gym at 3pm on world hangover day - 2012 - year of the dragon.

On a final note, this post is dedicated to Pearl, who says my writing gives her "warm fuzzies." Couldn't ask for a better compliment from a girl who's "got kettlebells for days."

Get Rid of Feelings to Make Room for Awesome

2011-12-29T10:02:00.000-08:00

The biggest change I have undergone since starting CrossFit has been the elimination of worthless fake emotions like "giving a fuck what other people think," and using the space for more productive stuff like strength, appetite, sex drive, and Grrrr.

I had been struggling with how to organize my thoughts on this issue until I completed some BAMF continuing education yesterday when I wasted a good portion of my workday reading through the archives of "Beastmodal Domains." http://beastmodaldomains.com/ This should be required reading for weak women. I nearly came in my pants several times because I was sure I had died and gone to a heaven where all the bullshit was gone and you just listened to jokes all day long. Screw strong is the new skinny. Hard as fuck is the new EVERYTHING. So anyway, if you are a chick and you frequently experience soft emotions during workouts you need to immediately stop reading anything written for women and start reading stuff written for animals. I said NOW!

Speaking of animals - it is best to get an animal role model. If you are dead set on a human role model, make sure it is a human that reminds you of an animal. I chose Simba from the Lion King. Simba is totally freaking cute, has a home run movie career, and leads the animal kingdom despite some SERIOUS family baggage.

Clearly, I am still not super strong, but as previously noted, I don't give a fuck. Perhaps my attitude is a slight overcompensation for my shoulders EFF. Fake it till ya make it.

Of course nobody is perfect. I am going to a have a bad day every once in awhile. This is usually a good time to quarantine yourself lest you make your pussy mind fuck issues everyone Else's problem too. Shame on whoever convinced you that life was easy. Quit your addiction to sympathy and start doing awesome shit despite it.

I hope that anyone I may have offended has stopped reading and perhaps de-friended me. ON THAT NOTE, I would prefer if you did not "like" this link if the extent of your hardness is "liking" good shit on Facebook. I am timing this post to hopefully reach you a midst a sea of new year advice. Let's be honest, if you are making resolutions, it is probably something you should have done long ago. I am in the market for a time machine so I can just undo my poor choices, but until then... "decide what to be, and go be it," FAKE IT TILL YA MAKE IT. I am not going to give you a hug for making a resolution, but I will give you a bonus high five when you actually do it.

May in 2012 you figure out who you were meant to be, and you are mean enough to get after it. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Recover Like a Badass

2011-12-25T18:55:00.000-08:00

This post is being brought to you during the most serious component of my training - what I like to call "recovering like a badass."

True to my style, I am going to tell it like it is. How you recover is THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE of Training. If you eat like shit, your body will crumble. If you do not sleep, your body will crumble. If you do not rest, your body will tear apart. If you do not recover like a badass, you will never fully actualize your potential. You will likely have many friends who admire your addiction to exercise. Congrats! How is that working out for you?

Ten weeks ago I started "strength biased training that incorporates CrossFit programming" (hereafter referred to as Training), Three weeks prior to setting foot in the gym, I transitioned to Paleolithic nutrition. I came to believe that everyone who does CrossFit is serious about nutrition. After a few of the most exhausting workouts of my life, I was convinced that there was no way that anybody could do this stuff without eating well and resting HARD. Seriously, sometimes I am so annihilated that I can barely get into my pajamas. I have fallen over. It would be embarrassing if I had witnesses - one of the many reasons I am sure I would be an entertaining wife (sorry, off topic.)

I train because I love doing crazy awesome stuff with my body, and I get off on the pain like S&M for fitness enthusiasts. From gymnastics to weightlifting, every workout is a game for me, and I want to play all day, every day. This may prove that I have a few screws loose upstairs, but my desire to beat my body to a bloody pulp does not equal "dedication to fitness." It may seem contradictory, but the best time to get a glimpse of my dedication is when I am sitting on the couch working my way through a max effort cave girl dinner. DO NOT DISTURB - TIRED GIRL BUSY GETTING STRONG.

It's resolution season, so lets take it there... Maybe you are TRYING to eat right, and you KNOW YOU SHOULD get more rest. Overcompensation is a recurring theme is my writing (see the earlier post about gear.) But -- if you aren't going to do the easy stuff then I can really only come to the conclusion that you are training to look cool or to slowly commit suicide.

I have been surprised to realize how many people are working themselves over like assholes without taking proper care of their bodies. THIS REFERS TO ANY TYPE OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY. It doesn't matter if you are a CrossFitter, a triathlete, a Spin class groupie, or a parent juggling kids and busy schedules. If you want to improve your performance in whatever you are doing you need to...

1. EAT WELL

2. GET ENOUGH REST

3. TRAIN SMART

Don't waste time on a landscape artist if you decided to live in the fucking desert. duhhhh.

Well, it's bedtime! Hopefully, for you as well.

dear stranger, quit blaming me for your issues

2011-12-07T15:48:00.001-08:00

I stumbled across this blog today. It really rubbed me the wrong way.

hello, i am fat <-- read or scan, then continue

It should be re-titled "Hello, I Blame the World." Really? Well this is one person in the world, responding.

(25 years old, female, 5'9", 150#, 32C, dark blonde, hazel eyes, just as fucking sassy as you)

((I didn't have time to ask someone to take a good picture of me, and all I had was this one of me playing "Just Dance!" on the Wii))

I think you are talking to me? I get the feeling that you are offended by my outspoken musings about health and fitness. Quit acting like it is my problem that it strikes a nerve on something you are self-conscious about.

I recognize that red lipstick - you are that broad who rudely and aggressively complained to me at work last week despite my best effort at empathetic customer service. Maybe if you quit being defensive for a second, you would realize that I don't fucking care if you are fat. BTW, just because you have wit doesn't mean you are delivering a strong message. Quit blowing smoke and acting like you are throwing sledge hammers.

I don't care what size you are. I have respect for humanity. I admire individuals who actively take responsibility and possession of their bodies and physical health a midst a jungle of misinformation and disease. I hardly think I am shaming anyone or being oppressive promoting health!

Self hate is bad, but who are you trying to BLAME?

UNHEALTHY IS UNHEALTHY WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL. Humans are BIOLOGICALLY WIRED to be attracted to strong, healthy people to continue our species. No matter what the media says, or what I say, or what you say, this isn't going to go away.

Growing obesity rates are a public health issue, and children should not have type 2 diabetes. That is all I am going to say about that... for now.

I am not going to stop promoting health and fitness as a superior way to live even though I have been criticized for being harsh or elitist. True, I have a no-nonsense approach, but LEEESSBEEEHONEST, we don't need any more watered down articles about "gettin' in shape and feelin' great" that provide very little practical information or motivation.

If you want to be fat, if you want to be thin, if you want to be healthy and strong, that is your own personal effing choice. Just don't point your finger at me, or anyone else, because you have personal baggage.

SORT YOUR SHIT OUT.

Just Me and the Workout

2011-12-04T17:16:00.001-08:00

Dude, I am just here to workout. I don't care how bad I am. I don't care how good you are. Too exhausted for self hate or awe, I am just here to BEAT MY SHIT UP UNTIL I FAIL.

The most powerful athletic advice I ever received was, "accept the pain." The most motivational statement ever spoken has always been, and will always be, "I love you." The rest is just fluff. I don't need a bumper sticker or a t-shirt to prove what I am made of. Look in my eyes and tell me my soul is not on fire.

I am a writer, so I love poetry, and philosophy, and the idea that wisdom exists if only to contrast naivete and learning. I have written words that inspire, and find community in the poetry of others. The most inspirational thing about art is that it reminds you that you are not alone in this struggle.

I have been stuck on the topic of motivation this week. I find myself frequently turning cliche motivation into sarcastic jokes because I am better at witty comebacks than empathetic support. FAIL (and reason #576 why I am not a middle school girls basketball coach)

People will do what they have incentive to do. My motivations are definitely not external. I am not doing anything impressive. More often than not, I scrape my ruined ass off the sweat soaked floor to hear about everyone who can do twice the work in half the time. Maybe I got a good time, but I probably did not do the workout Rx'd, so my time essentially means, well, nothing. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care... about anything... because I am so effing alive right now.

I am not climbing an emotional mountain. I am not battling demons. It's just me and the workout.

LETS BE HONEST - There is a very real terror that millions of people in the world are living daily. There are some REAL battles going on in the world right now. What I am doing in the gym is tough, but I can't hold a candle to bravery so real I can't even understand it.

If you have ever watched someone you love take their last breath and beg them to take just one more, you know that a bar loaded with weight isn't scary. It's an invitation of be alive. Nothing more, nothing less.

There are only people in this world, I am merely one of them. I have given up my concern for the judgments of others, and my own judgement of myself. I only have so much time, and I only have enough time for love.

I guess then, why I am here is to honor life - to be alive while I can.

I Hate Cooking. I Love Being Strong and Healthy.

2011-12-01T07:58:00.001-08:00

Confession: I am not a foodie. I don't own any cookbooks. My interest in culinary arts rivals my interest in the latest cell phone technology. BORING.

Being worthless in the kitchen is not an excuse to have a worthless diet. You don't even have to get better if you don't want to. I am willing to be your biggest cheerleader under the one condition that you quit making nonsensical excuses and whining about how this "whole Paleo thiiiiiing" is sooo tough.

This diet is anything but limiting, and most of the foods can be eaten with little or no preparation. BIG WIN for this lazy cave woman like myself.

Get your head out of your self-help book and spend some time paying attention to your body. If you completely rock your body, pasta just won't sound good. I have cravings for raw spinach occasionally. This surely is not because I am a total nut and think raw spinach tastes like German chocolate cake. I just feel like my body needs it. Two days ago after my 11th workout in 7 days, I devoured almost a pound of fatty beef and pork and a quarter cup of almond butter - not because that was what I was "suppose to eat," but because I was EFFING HUNGRY. grrrrrr.

In all fairness, you do have to break your sugar addiction to clear your head enough to hear your body. Switching to a Paleo diet is rough for 1-2 weeks while your body adjusts.

If you aren't willing to push through a week for the sake of your health, get out of here.

I love eating Paleo because the only thing I really have to cook is meat. I eat raw vegetables and fruits that are in season. I love raw nuts because you can actually taste the natural oils of the seed and not whatever chemical flavoring they are coated in.

I used to tell myself that I would eventually develop an interest in culinary detail. It is time to be honest with myself: I am 25 and don't even season my meat when I cook it because I just don't care. My only hope now is to raise a child prodigy top chef or have a family that could care less that I eat the salad before it makes it into the bowl.

If you like to cook, there are endless ways to create delicious Paleo dishes. Hats off to you! Invite me over for dinner. If you like simplicity, or are irrationally afraid of the kitchen, that is OKAY TOO! Humans evolved without eating grains and without reading cookbooks. Paleo nutrition is accessible to everyone regardless of your interest in food preparation.

Listen to your body. Satisfy your needs. Use the extra time that you are not making excuses to prepare a beautiful meal, taking a Yoga class, walking on your hands, reading a story, living your life.

Reading List of the Broken Hearted - Proceed With Caution

2011-11-23T12:18:00.001-08:00

I was able to do plenty of reading while recovering from the plague. After swinging by Walgreen's to pick up my antibiotics I indulged in the only kind of "retail therapy" I enjoy besides grocery shopping: Half-Priced Books.

I purchased Romantic Passion, a collection of essays edited by William R Jankoviak. The book is an intellectual investigation of the universality of human romantic love. My decision to buy took no time at all as it fit three of my criteria for worthiness of purchase: 1. Non-fiction, 2. Good cover art. 3. Racy.

Although cover art is a terrible reason to buy a book, and it didn't even turn out to be racy at all, the collection was very well done. Too bad I should have just gone with a romance novel because the damn thing broke what was left of my already callous heart.

The research takes an evolutionary and biological perspective of the phenomenon of romantic love. I don't want to spoil it for you too, but it pretty much goes like this: Humans are chemically wired to become infatuated with another human for long enough to make a baby and raise it through infancy. Four years is pretty much all you've got - but if you hook up at the end of your baby making years, have lots of babies, or are financially dependent on each other then you have a better chance of staying together because it is easier.

What sucks is that it all completely makes sense. The stats back it up. If you marry young, you will likely get divorced...in about four years. You will likely get married again soon after, especially if the first union produced no children or only a single child.

I feel like I just got broken up with, by love itself. (shaking fist) GIVE ME MY DAMN FAIRY TALE BACK! sigh. Maybe if I read the entire Harry Potter series again I will once again believe in magic, love, and wizards

I don't know if I beat the game or lost it. I guess it is a good thing that "soul mate" wasn't at the top of my bucket list - then I'd really be fucked.

What I would have said if I was not so diplomatic...

2011-11-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

Disclaimer: I spent too much time browsing http://www.someecards.com/ today. Unable to find any that truly reflected my life perspective, I just wrote a few of my own.

I really appreciate your well-intended yet unsolicited advice that I have no intention of taking.

Its not you, its me - and the fact that I am not attracted to guys that I could toss around even though I am sure you are really nice.

I am listening to you when you tell me it is hard to make healthy choices, but I would have an easier time empathizing with you if you were not so lazy.

Wanna Race? Don't Worry - I'm Not Even a Runner...

2011-11-16T17:45:00.001-08:00

I wasn't going to race until spring, but it is only a 5k. I have decided to take part in the Turkey Trot 5k on Thanksgiving in an attempt to run a PR 5K before I proceed to have a PR quantity of turkey consumed in one sitting.

http://www.raceit.com/search/event.aspx?event=27aa9a68-9fdc-43df-9285-0eaa6571d608.aspx

This is not the Boston Marathon, and I really could not care less how everyone else does. This one is Sam v. Sam, and I don't think the old me stands a chance.

In the past five weeks I have only run once. I have successfully learned the difference between running and sprinting. I have learned what "intense" means. While doing speed work at the track at the beginning of the summer I was unable to break 1:40 for a 400m sprint, yet last Sunday I put back 1:28 without thinking twice, no warm up jog. Dude, CrossFit is strange.

I have tried to repress the memory of my last race, but the pain of the 2011 Corporate Cup is still fresh - still humiliating. I went into the race with almost totally inflexible connective tissue in both feet. I was so out of touch with reality that I seriously thought that anger alone was going to help me sprout wings. WRONG. The first 20 minutes were fine as I rode on adrenaline, but right around the 5K split, reality sunk in. Every step brought searing pain and slowed my pace to an embarrassing jog. 49:39 + a ruined body. Look in the mirror, babe... what are you effing doing?

It has been two months, and I no longer have any pain in my plantar fascia despite concern that I had pushed myself to a chronic injury. Thanks body - let's be friends again.

I love running like crazy people love stamp collecting. When I stopped running, I was only concerned with how to fix myself so I could run again. It was as if I was scheduled for a double leg amputation sometime soon. I was so stuck on the idea that I was a "runner" that I was tearing my own body apart. For a smart girl, I was making some pretty nonsensical decisions.

I love running because it is natural. Sooooo what you are trying to tell me is that if I am a human, then I am also a runner. Who else loves conditional statements? Geometry anyone? Let's do proofs! Just kidding.

It is tough to give up on the labels we put on ourselves and find the confidence to be physically and mentally dynamic and ever-changing. It is hard to let go. Hopefully, I will be active and healthy for many years to come, always adapting - always growing. And what do I tell people when they ask me, "so what DO YOU DO?" Simple, I am a human, and right now, I am also an athlete.

It is a good thing that the gear doesn't make the athlete.

2011-11-13T09:15:00.001-08:00

Changing sports can be expensive. I don't know why I am surprised - everything CAN be expensive.

Luckily I was into minimalist running before I made the switch to CrossFit and owned a pair of Merrell Pace Gloves and New Balance Minimus running shoes.

As it turns out, this sport that heralds a philosophy of natural, functional, how our bodies were made to move fitness, has plenty of top of the line stuff you can buy to make you better, faster, stronger...

The rest of my extra smushy running shoes are now worthless for any endeavor beyond "running" errands. Whatever, you can never have too many shoes for running errands. ((get real, I don't really believe this))

Can really high quality technical gear improve athletic performance? Yes, but let's not get carried away. Can a microfiber shirt prevent chafing? Yes, but it is not going to put a fire in your ass and carry you across the finish line. Would pants have prevented the sexy rope burn I have on my inner thigh? Yes. Did my failure to dress appropriately keep me from getting up that rope. No.

Before I could afford all of this shit, I still had a body. Fancy workout gear cannot make you a better athlete and it should not be an access barrier to fitness. I cannot even pick up a mainstream fitness magazine anymore because of the way they turn getting fit into more of a commercial experience than a physical one. Even the articles of "getting fit on a budget" are diluted and lame. Do you own a body? Awesome, get moving, pick up heavy stuff, jump around until you can't breathe. You will get fit - I promise.

I LITERALLY laughed out loud ((lol'd)) recently when I heard about the $25 Million lawsuit for Reebok's claim that their bouncy ball shoes were going to give you tight thighs and a firm ass.

http://www.inquisitr.com/145950/reebok-refund-easytone-runtone-2011-lawsuit-settlement/

This is a lose lose waste of our judicial system - ridiculous from any perspective.

I am not arguing against quality, just that in athletic gear, quality should be in FUNCTIONALITY. I have several brands of compression shorts. None of them make the work any easier, and it is actually my least expensive pair that manages to not end up so far up my butt when I am doing squats that I need to use the jaws of life to disrobe.

Nike is particularly good at marketing its products for the rough and tumble athlete. For the most part though, you are paying to further advertise the brand. If you want to feel tough, cover yourself in dirt and sweat, not logos.

NICE LEGS - I imagine this is what my legs could look like if the weren't covered in bruises. No, if my legs looked like that, I would be a leg model or something and move to Hawaii! ALOHA.

I mean no offense. I am just calling it like I see it.

So, you must forgive me for glazing over while you tell me about your silver lined, NASA quality, waterproof to 500 meters, workout gear that you never intend on doing anything hard in.

Now - go put on anything, and do something with yourself.

11.12.11

2011-11-12T08:52:00.001-08:00

This is a lonely place to be writing poetry with torn, bloody fingertips.

I wish I could just find a muse and get on with it.

Exposed and exhausted as I am,

with no desire to chase happiness

or even truth -

both relative, and temporary.

Always absorbing and reacting

much easier to love as an idea than the flesh and bones

I am always searching for.

Kinda Focusing is for People who Kinda Want It. Go Big or Go Elsewhere.

2011-11-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent a huge amount of money and time on groceries and nutritional supplements. I now have an account on bodybuilding.com. No, I am not body building. I am strength, fitness, and mean building.

As I had mentioned in a previous post, I have been doing CrossFit at Fit2Fight in downtown Omaha for almost one month. I went in looking for a way to make strength training less boring. I almost scrapped the whole idea when my car decided to fall apart. The combination of persistence from the gym and my own gut feeling got me to take the leap to buy a gym membership that I don't even need and hardly have time for.

I have been in that gym six days a week for a month now. My body has responded like a lighter to a firecracker. I don't even bother to bring my bullshit with me there because I know it isn't welcome. I am not the same person I was a few weeks ago. I am still a mere beginner - albeit a very IMPATIENT beginner. There is no way getting around it, if I want a better output, I need better inputs. Time for a no excuses nutritional game plan.

I have been following a strictly Paleo diet for the past six weeks, and starting today, I am further refining and specifically structuring my macro-nutrient intake to enhance my exercise regimen. (I do not suggest this level of attention to diet and exercise to everyone - this is obviously my passion and such devotion and focus is natural and exhilarating for me).

I started the day with an obnoxious abundance of energy. I am SO EXCITED to get everything I need for a perfectly structured Paleo CrossFit diet. This is going to be TOTALLY awesome. Extra EXCLAMATIONS!!!! :-) :-)

My excitement started to wane a bit while trying maneuver through Whole Foods among people who I swear were legally blind and had no sense of their bodies in space. These people should not be allowed shopping carts, let alone the cars the obviously drove here. UGH. I grabbed some grassfed steaks and three oranges and got the heck out before I let my frustrations get the best of me.

My second attempt at Hy-Vee only added fuel to the fire. Instead of lame music, they were playing the Nebraska football game in the store, and people literally stopped moving during plays. I almost rear ended someone into the tortilla display. I am not even sure what fresh veggies and fruit I ended up with because I was so distracted.

I was in no condition to handle food labels by the time I made it to the dreaded center aisles which should clearly be renamed to "look how much stuff we can make out of corn and soy. EFFFFF

Fourteen aisles and the only thing that made it into my cart was tuna and raw almonds. God forbid I want any cooked or seasoned nuts. Most commercially available nuts that are roasted or seasoned at all are cooked in "peanut and/or cottonseed oil." I am not sure about the "and/or" portion of that. Not only do I need to avoid peanuts due to a moderate peanut allergy, but I think I will pass on any product where the manufacturers aren't even quite sure what is in it. Super sketchy.

I am so sick of this. My fun nutritional adventure has turned into mission impossible.

I am suppose to be getting 2 grams of Protein for every pound of body weight. I am about 145 lbs currently, and consuming 290 grams of protein in one day seems about as possible as me deadlifting 290 lbs --- which has no chance of EVER happening considering I cannot fit any more meat into my little body and I am finding it impossible to find any protein supplement that contain NO lactose, soy, or wheat.

I have to be missing something. I am not dumb, and this should not be this difficult. In search of some guidance I went to Barnes and Noble in search of The Paleo Diet for Athletes by Dr. Loren Cordain. NEGATIVE. Plenty of books on being a vegetarian though... been there, done that, it made me SICK!

I started a food diary today that I will break down and analyse in later posts. Have I ever mentioned that I love numbers and like to handle challenges with emotionally detached planning and execution? Yes, I was a robot before I was reincarnated as a modern cave girl.

I am frustrated to the point of punching strangers who cannot steer shopping carts, but I know that like all things - this too will pass. Deep breath - appreciate the process. My anger is sometimes a tough companion, but it always pushes me to work even harder toward whatever I am pursuing. I don't think I was born to live an easy life. I am always pushing, and I am thankful to currently be living a life that pushes back.

Reading List, Continued

2011-11-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

I named this blog "Priorities and Compromises" because it is, essentially, the philosophy by which I lead my life. I choose priorities and tend to live through passionate focus. While I believe this leads to deeper experience, focus does not come without losing some peripheral vision.

While I love writing, I avoiding blogging for a long time because my life lacks the "cuteness" that makes many popular blogs, well, popular. I refuse to artificially plan activities into my days that are bloggable, easily digestible, mild, relatively boring -- but look great paired with decent photography.

I am just sharing what is my un-cute, yet juicy life.

That being said, I haven't had much time to write recently because when I am not laying around totally exhausted, I have been on a reading spree. I took a big pile of finshed books back to Half-Priced Books today and was able to trade for two new books! Here is what I am cuddling up to tonight.

I am only in the introduction and it is already getting spicy. Google it if you are interested.

"I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck." - Emma Goldman

Have a fabulous weekend!

Reading List

2011-10-31T12:38:00.000-07:00

I am sick of talking about (and thinking about) my workouts and meals. It is a little known fact that I have any other interests.

Today I am thinking about the author, Sarah Hall.

I was introduced to Sarah Hall in 2006. I actually stumbled upon The Carhullan Army (Daughters of the North) while wasting time at the University Bookstore at the University of Nebraska - Lincoln. I love reading, but I have left many books unfinished because I feel little obligation to finish a book I do not connect with. In the same way that I do not seek the company of every human on earth, I do not believe that I am going to become a more merited person by consuming great volumes of literature simply because a piece may be by some standards "excellent writing."

Daughters of The North is a story of gender blind camaraderie and love. The story's honest, natural, and raw portrayal of female strength is beautiful and comforting despite the violent story line. I devoured the book like the company of lover after an long separation. I was 19 at the time, and desperately seeking a dialogue that reflected my own search for a more real existence.

The story has stuck with me through these years, although I have not consciously thought about it until about a week ago. Strange. I was driving up Pacific Street feeling completely physically and emotionally used up. I rarely get "stressed out" - at least not by the ebb and flow of daily life. I do not typically seek audience to "vent," and when I am grappling with more serious questions I have often found others' attempts at empathy hollow. Not from lack of effort. Real empathy is tough to come by. It is during these times that I have found companionship in woman I have never met. Through the writing of strong, passionate women I find comfort and sisterhood. This experience, what you are feeling is real, and I love you.

Upon returning to Sarah Hall today, I had a happy discovery. Her newest collection of short works will be released this upcoming month! Pre-order done!

This gives me just enough time to swing by Half-Price Books to pick up one of her other novels that I have yet to read including: Haweswater, The Electric Michelangelo, and How to Paint a Dead Man.

I am not going to recommend every man, woman, and child race to the bookstore to pick up a Sarah Hall novel, but if my review struck a nerve, I think it would be worth your while.

http://www.sarahhallauthor.com/ (check it out!)

Celebrate Good Times, Yeah Yeah!

2011-10-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Anniversary - To Me!

I actually wrote this "happy anniversary" note to myself today. It was completely unrecognized by my company (no surprises, or tears shed). At first I thought that it would be quite the occasion since turnover is rather high, and not many employees hit this important milestone... but then it looks like I just answered my own question.

Despite the fact that my job is completely thankless and excruciatingly limiting, I DID learn the fine art of "box jokes"

"Just put it in my box, I really need to clean my box out, I thought it was in my box, I'll just leave that in your box, okay?"

NEVER GETS OLD

And even when the going gets tough, I get to look HOTT every day (this photo, also never gets old)

And for anyone who was wondering, I am still not "Employee of the Month"

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150289769078440 (this is a link to my original campaign letter if you are so inclined)

I would like to thank all of my coworkers for helping me develop my sense of humor and sarcasm to such an extent that I can honestly say the past 12 months (and six days) have been more or less, fun. I also have the confidence that I can put a "positive spin" on my situation the next time I find myself working for a company that doesn't appreciate me, and under the direction of an individual who cannot pronounce "February"

Counting Calories Will Mess You Up

2011-10-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

My workout today was: eat as much food as possible. I am not even joking. I have the appetite of a T-Rex. I ate 1.5 lbs of meat today.

I wonder how many Calories I hav.................STOP. It doesn't matter, yet I doubt I will ever be able to stop the constant tick.

I have never been a Calorie counter, but I am a "numbers person," and I do find myself constantly making calculations like I have an internal reality GPS. Caloric information is SO available and has received such a focus that countless people have developed a debilitating Calorie obsession.

Food for thought (pun intended): Consider the energy that is currently being invested in an effort to make mandatory Caloric information in restaurants. What if we spent the same time and energy educating people to make sound nutritional choices? F* the food pyramid. Oh wait, isn't it a plate now? Either way, its lame.

Some people (myself included) are able to manually override the undercurrent of Calorie Mania. A lucky few have developed a dysfunction-free relationship with food. This is my goal, and unfortunately I think it will be a battle I will be fighting for myself and those I love for a long time.

It is pretty ironic that while contemplating Calories, I stumbled across these: LO CAL AVOCADOS! Calorie phobia is ruining our food!!

I haven't tried mine yet, but the reviews online aren't great. They were described as watery and flavorless. Not surprising of a low calorie version of a nutritiously rich food.

I picked up some normal avocados also for PALEO PUDDING!

4 avocados - 24 dates -1 cup cocoa - Some water

Put everything in a food processor (not a Ninja as you see here... it doesn't work. You have to use a food processor)

Add a little water...

Blend, add some water, and repeat until smooth.

This recipe makes 8 servings. I have some extra to share, but if there are no takers it will be gone in a few days.

You could easily spice up this recipe with nuts or coconut. If you want to sweeten it up you could add a little honey.

If you want to get really crazy you could top strawberries with it and feed it to your sexy lover.

...and then burn off all of those Calories you didn't even bother counting.

Happy Paleoween

2011-10-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

CAVE GIRL - for real.
I went to Vala's Pumpkin Patch today and worked up an appetite dodging wild children.

Don't find this photo attractive? Good, because it's not, but that leg tasted so good.

There isn't really any delicate way to do this...

Happy Paleoween!

It will either make you as tough as nails, or help you realize that you already were.

2011-10-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

(alternate title: eff off, you don't know me)

Compared to the fittest women in the world, I am not very physically powerful. While training in a method that produced the fittest people in the world, it has been a daily ordeal of stripping me down to the core of my being. Pride, ego, composure, all gone. All that is left is a broken sweaty heap of flesh on the smelly floor.

I came to CrossFit as an injured, yet devoted runner. I came to this method of training not because I want to look great naked, or because I wanted to be the meanest strongest beast of a woman out there. Both are totally legitimate goals. They are just not mine.

It has been suggested that although I may have a good "foundation" of mental toughness developed though athletic training, I do not yet have grit - the ability to persevere through pain. In regards to this misinterpretation, I blame my naturally effervescent personality, my infrequent use of obscenities, and my preference to hold my tongue to avoid pointless disagreement. But such a suggestion is just dead wrong. Dead, fucking, wrong.

I have no doubt that CrossFit is the most effective method of developing elite physical fitness, but there is no way I am going to let anybody suggest the inferiority of my mental toughness simply because I cannot yet throw a pile of weights over my head while issuing a war cry. Have no doubt that if it was required of me to rebuild the pyramids, I would toil pebble by pebble, stone by stone until my hands were covered in blood and I lay expired in complete physical exhaustion.

I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with running in college when various pressures led me to find myself with an ever shrinking body. I am not sure how I got there, or what happened inside of me to get me out. I remember a close friend asking why I was doing it to myself, and my only response was that I wanted to hurt until someone would hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. Nobody came, I was not carried through the dark trenches of my self-inflicted pain in a strong loving embrace. Through athletics I was able to pull myself back from the edge and develop a strength and self-confidence that made sure that nobody was going to tear me down that far again, including myself.

I am sticking with this training regimen, no doubt. My body is already starting to change and become stronger. For the next six months, if I am told to jump, I will ask "how high?" I plan on devoting the winter to my training with an intensity that I never in my life have given to anything. If that takes more mental isolation and a rougher attitude - so be it.

In this moment, I find peace with myself, confidence in my own capacity in the present and future. I untether myself from any reality besides my own.

In May I am going to line up at the starting line in Lincoln a changed athlete, hopefully this time with a level of physical fitness to match that of my mind. I will not be running to prove that CrossFit trumps running though... I will be racing to win.

It Will Never Work - A "Dear John" to an Old Lifestyle

2011-10-18T16:22:00.000-07:00

I know I am better off without you, but sometimes you still cross my mind.

If you have read anything I have written in the past - long while - you know I am not reminiscing over a human relationship, but over my wild love affair with grains.

When I began eating a strictly Paleo diet over a month ago, I was "trying it out." I am very experimental with nutrition, and have been accused of jumping on the bandwagon more than once. In my defense, this is slightly different from being a fair weather fan. I am truly passionate about holistic health and am willing to immerse myself in learning through experience.

"Diet" is unfortunately currently associated with a CHANGE in food consumption, usually with the primary goal being weight loss. The word diet is really a much broader way of describing the general composition of food intake to fuel human activity and vital physiological functions. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, the first definition of diet is, "food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health." Contemplating this more broad way of defining diet, we can come to another conclusion: we should not have to make a CHANGE in the way we eat to achieve optimum health, vitality, and longevity. Our diet should be what we are doing all the time.

In the same token, "fitness" really just means "well adapted to ones environment." Holistic and natural living is more like diving into the water as opposed to simply dipping your toes. You can easily see why I broke up with the elliptical machine around the same time I broke it off with bread.

So why the puppy dog eyes and pouting lips this evening? I found myself at Starbucks this morning, looking longingly at a beautiful and sweetly fragrant display of body destroying starchy delights. Having strictly eliminated grains from my diet many weeks ago, I no longer have cravings for such comfort foods, but with nostalgia, my heart sank knowing I could never go back.

With undeniable clinical proof of the damage caused by grains in the body, and my own personal complete health turnaround, there is no way I will ever be able to "go back" to my old diet. My switch to a Paleo diet has ended a life long battle with food intolerance. It has improved my energy, physical training capacity, and ability to think clearly. I have no doubt that it can help anyone overweight achieve weight loss, although that was not a goal or issue for me before the switch. There is plenty of awesome literature on achieving weight loss through Paleo nutrition if that is your first goal.

We had a good time. Sourdough baguette with fresh butter - big bowl of angel hair pasta - extra large popcorn at the movies. Its a small world and we will not forever be able to avoid each other. The sight of you may remind me of devouring you with ravenous abandon followed by exhausted slumber. (Perhaps my primal instincts are now more acute too. hmmmm, sigh)

But it will never work out. Hugs and kisses - with both sadness and hope for the future, I bid you farewell, forever.

It never gets easier, but at least you know what you have coming.

2011-10-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was told that CrossFit never gets easier, but my nervous system will get better at handling the shock. Fantastic.

I survived my first three days of CrossFit. I nearly had to watch "Miracle" to get myself out of bed the last two mornings. Despite all of the self motivation, I still made a fool of myself and was described as, "weak as a kitten." I wish I could have at least found my claws.

This is Ruby K.E. (Ruby Kitten Eternal) She is my Mom's cat who I started calling "kitten eternal" when she failed to grow to full size in adulthood.

Running errands was perhaps not the best choice after my workout. I spent about 30 seconds at the intersection of 15th and Howard before realizing the light wasn't going to change. I was at a four way stop sign. Eff.

I made it safely to Trader Joes and got some healthy foods.

aaaaaand some PLANTAIN CHIPS! (true love)

I must have good karma today because my luck continued when I visited my Mom's house and she surprised me with vegetables from her late blooming "yardin" (yard garden) which I have actually renamed "yungle" (yard jungle) You live and you learn. Congrats to Kellie Schrader for a successful first year of organic gardening!

Tomorrow is active recovery. You will be able to find me at Prairie Life Fitness in Ralston in ballet attire in the group fitness studio. After three days of humbling workouts that have left my pride as wounded as my body, I am ready to be rid of the stopwatch and let my body move and stretch and lift and turn.

Then I am going to go home and sharpen my claws. Game face for Monday.

Coexist - CrossFit & Zumba (just not in the same afternoon)

2011-10-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

The best way to get fit is... whatever you like enough to throw yourself into like it is play.

I recently stumbled across this video. The timing could not be more perfect.

I had my first official CrossFit workout today at Fit2Fight in downtown Omaha. It was the hardest 19 minute and 31 second workout I've ever done. Tough, but doable, especially with great coaching. It was definitely obvious that I have plenty of room for improvements (my shoulders can barely support a basket of butterflies). At the same time, I wasn't made to feel ashamed that I was fighting a losing battle with a 35 pound bar (no added weight).

After CrossFit I stopped at Prairie Life - Midtown for Zumba. The class was a riot. My friend and coworker, Beth, dances like a monkey on drugs. I could not help but bring it on to match her energy while trying to not lose it in a fit of laughter. My urge to laugh stopped pretty immediately when we "dropped it low" and I could feel every one of the 180 squats I had done an hour earlier. oooooo wow. I am glad we didnt' get out the shake weights or we may have had a broken mirror on our hands.

So - CrossFit or Zumba? Jury is still out in my opinion. I will probably not make the choice to do CrossFit AND Zumba back to back again though.

Give it a Break

2011-10-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

Are you working out, balls to the wall, 7 days a week, and are still a chunky monkey? If you really want to see RESULTS then XtraXtreme fitness is for you!! You will be, LITERALLY VOMITING UP YOUR STOMACH LINING 3 times per workout!

Just kidding! You just need to stop eating crap and give yourself a break. I like fitness professionals. They are my friends and coworkers. I have worked with a personal trainer, and I have a blast in group fitness classes. One strange observation I have made however, is how workouts are getting more and more intense, yet people are not getting more and more fit. It is like scaling a mountain and doing jumping jacks at the top. Lame - settle down and take a photo! I am of acquaintance with a woman who spends an exorbitant amount of cash on her gym rat lifestyle, and I am quite sure the effort is only going of offset takeout meals and binge drinking. To each his own, but I get exhausted just thinking about such a "work hard, play hard, die young of chronic inflammation and oxidative stress lifestyle." Ugh. She has great intentions, and I must admit that I am choosing to pick on her because she was recently close talking me in the locker room when I really needed some personal space to put on my underroos. In defense of my seemingly lame, low-intensity workouts -- My favorite workout is walking. Walking outside is definitely the best. Take a friend and some cash, get lunch, get your vitamin D, practice socializing outside of Faceworld. When it is chilly, I like to walk on a treadmill on an incline and listen to music that makes me feel like I am clubbing. This is from a walk in Dundee on Underwood Street. I took a picture becuase it WAS pointing toward my home!

I love a crazy wild workout that leaves me sopping wet and delirious, but humans are not made to exert that much intensity every day. Pretty soon we will be paying for boot camp for kids sponsored by McDonald's. Just think about the whole idea of eating something that you will have to "burn off" later. It is really a strange concept - and a big sum zero game. Gimme an apple and a yoga class - you can keep your chicken fingers and aerobics Xtreme. When I feel overwhelmed I {try} to meditate on a calming mantra to refocus. This one is particularly good for when I notice myself pushing a little too hard for no reward beyond exhaustion -- Be strong, it isn't always going to be easy, but have faith, it doesn't always have to be hard.

The Best Way to Start the Week - NOT

2011-10-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

There is a sensor in your car that tells your transmission to shift gears. I know this because I have had this fixed before. I am happy to announce that it looks like I am going to have to have it fixed again.Here is a picture of Me and Allie by my car during a happier time of full car functionality. (I am not going to make any explanations at this time for the ridiculousness of this photo)

Automotive problems fall on my stress meter just below serious injury or illness to myself or a loved one. Every time automotive problems pop up I start seriously considering the following life changes that would free me from this expensive nuisance:1. Career change - become a mechanic 2. Move to a city that has a functional public transportation system3. Develop agoraphobia - making car ownership pointlessUnfortunately, options 1 and 2 would take more time and money than car repairs. Option 3 is simply too unappealing to be feasible. My auto mechanic is Young Kim on 48th and Dodge.

I have always had good experiences and as an added bonus he sells Diet Dr. Pepper at his shop. I can hardly understand what he says, but I am not fluent in "car" so it isn't a big deal. Most importantly, his shop is within walking/running distance to work. My fantastic friend and coworker, Beth, is suppose to join me for a boot camp workout at 5:30 a.m. Beth has an "all or nothing" personality like myself, and instead of moderating each other's intensity, we tend to mutually make even more extreme choices. That being said, I am not about to let an annoyance like not having a vehicle keep me from getting ridiculously exhausted and sweaty at the crack of dawn. The game plan is as follows:4:30 - drop my gym bag and personal belongings at the gym 4:45 - drop my car off at Young Kim's with my key and a note describing the issue4:50 - Run down Dodge Street in the dark (note to self - lay out obnoxious reflective workout gear)5:30 - Totally warmed up already - time for "Cardio Conditioning" class6:30 - ? Kill time with work and any errands I can accomplish on foot from Midtown CrossingSometime - walk/run back up Dodge (hopefully in daylight) to relinquish the rest of my remaining sales bonus. Eff.On a positive note, I am still holding onto the belief that everything happens for a reason. It may just be a mental defense mechanism, but if it is going to help me remain civil and functional despite extreme stress then I'll take it.

2011-10-09T09:24:00.001-07:00

All gone - I can put away a bag of Plantain Chips faster than you can say, "are those kinda like bananas?"

Not quite, but those are great too.

Meat Sale

2011-10-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

Life was overwhelming today. Today was a continuous unraveling of the ball of yarn that was my stress from this week.

I bought 15 pounds of meat today at Super Savers semi-annual "mega meat sale"

My life for the past three weeks can be summarized as "hunting, gathering, and American original sin" (finding affordable food that does not contain grain derivatives while dealing with the guilt of animal cruelty)

There is no denying that since switching to a diet that consists of only fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds, and lean meat, I have physically felt better than I can ever remember. I was never a vegetarian because I don't enjoy the taste of meat or because I thought eating meat was wrong. Ideally, I would purchase only cruelty-free animal products - for my health and to economically vote for farmers and ranchers who did things the right way. Unfortunately, I do not currently have the budget, or time to be so absolute. Perhaps I do if I put more effort into finding good deals and buying direct from local producers. Where is the time in my day for this? Is this even important? Why can't I focus? I need to sleep.

I walked out of the store bewildered, toting 15 pounds of meat that I am far too exhausted to prepare today. I seriously became overwhelmed, on the verge of tears on my drive home. I cannot remember being more ethically confused. As a vegetarian, I was at the end of my rope in unresolved health issues, yet I was able to "opt-out" of really having an honest opinion about commercial meat production.

Opinions are merely accessories unless the issue at hand is consciously affecting your decisions.

I wish research, or the well intended advice of friends could help me work through this, but I am just going to have to let this one boil in my heart until I know what is really important to me, and how I am going to go forward.

A Lesson on Gratitude from a Yogi that Teaches Indoor Classes in Outside Voices

2011-10-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that I will try any fitness discipline. It wasn't always this way. It wasn't until about one year ago that I finally gave in and "tried" yoga. Convinced that a yoga practice was not a good fit for my high intensity, endurance athlete workout personality I wrote it off for years. My first class went surprisingly well. I have natural flexibility and balance developed through years of dance. I was in no way flowing through a series of advanced poses like a pro, but my body and my muscles and most importantly my spirit were responding to the practice like a drink of cold water after a hot summer run.

Don't get ahead of yourself. I am not going to go "find myself" in India and return to open a Yoga studio, wear toe socks, and burn incense. I hate incense.

More than inspiring a rigorous practice, Yoga has increased my receptivity to all fitness disciplines. This week I am trying CrossFit for the first time, and I am totally scared out of my mind.

After my introduction, I was on a roll. I was attending class two or three times a week. It was keeping me stretchy and sane a midst the roller coaster of emotions of injury induced depression after plantar fasciitis benched me from running for the first time in seven years. Although I attached no specific goals to my practice, I was noticing improvements. Poses that were once awkward seemed natural. Then about two months ago, I let my Yoga practice disappear from my schedule. My stress immediately returned, but as more time passed the thought of having to retrain my body seemed to only add to my frustrations.

Two weeks ago I returned to my practice. It was disgusting. I could feel every imbalance and knot in body. Luckily, my only goal for the class was to show up, and stay the entire time. The class was the Monday night class taught by Jen at Prairie Life in Midtown. When I showed up for class, and then again afterward, Jen told me that she was honored that I came to her class. I did not immediately register the impact that such a simple statement of gratitude had on me. I apologized for the sad state of my practice, and thanked her generously for "putting up with me." The fact that someone would be honored by my presence at a class seemed silly. At my best, I am nowhere near the best. I am a runner, not a Yogi. All arguments aside, those kind words motivated me to take two more classes that week, and two the following week. I am starting to get my stretch back. Whoop!

It is easy to forget to be thankful for the people who choose to spend their time with us. I am stretched pretty thin myself, and the things I do, and company I keep are important enough to make time for. Jen's gratitude was a reminder to be thankful and honored by the time others give to me.

Thanks you Jen, for reaching out to me with your simple words of gratitude. Your kindness was powerful enough to reinvigorate my much needed yoga practice and inspire gratitude within my own spirit.

p.s. I promise next time I come to your class I will work extra hard to lengthen my hamstrings on my downward dog so I don't have to readjust my hands when I flow into plank. Someday, I will master the basics.

Giving Up Bad Habits - Starting With My Alarm Clock

2011-10-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

Starting this week I am giving up my alarm clock (except for when absolutely necessary, for example I get a super rockin’ boyfriend and have a reason to stay up late, and a super rockin’ job that requires me to get up early).

I technically have plenty of free time in my day to get a solid eight hours of sleep a night. Why I have chosen not to take advantage of it makes absolutely no sense. Perhaps sleep deprivation is making me nonsensical!

Here’s the deal - I really like getting up early. To maintain my sanity, I need personal time every day. I currently have about 15 roommates (slight exaggeration unless you are counting the dogs too). This hour in the morning from when I wake to when I hit the gym is my “special quiet time”. I like think that I will eventually fill this time with meditation or a personal yoga practice, but I am currently using it to take care of small tasks I was too lazy to do the previous evening (which is also quite cathartic). I enjoy getting a head start on the day, AND I get to use the bathroom before anybody else gets up!

The fitness magazines I “read” while on the elliptical machine suggest getting plenty of sleep is the secret to losing weight. I am pretty quick to disregard such sources of advice because they also publish such groundbreaking research like “drinking plenty of water is good for your health.”

I recently became educated on the effects of elevated cortisol levels on health. It is some SERIOUSLY SCARY STUFF. I am not going to outline it all here, but it essentially goes like this: (not enough sleep) -> (elevated cortisol) -> (terrible health) -> (death). Google it.

Luckily, I have plenty of time to sleep. I just need to do some rearranging and make a few compromises.

1.If you want to wake up early, you must go to bed early.
2.No p.m. caffeine unless I am planning to party my face off.

This should be pretty simple to implement, and I seriously need the rest if I am going to tear it up (or get torn up) at CrossFit this week.

I am a Recovering Vegetarian - A Paleo Education

2011-10-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

I am a recovering vegetarian.

By chance I recently came into acquaintance with some individuals who practice the Paleo diet. Before you gear up to battle me with every argument in you arsenal about why I should not be on a "diet," hear me out. I have immersed myself in nutrition and fitness information for the past six years, and I still suffer from digestive dis-function more than the average person. I placed 11th at a recent cross country race, with an injury, six hours after binging on hummus and flat bread - only to binge again to the point of illness two hours post-race. I have only had fast food, or any fried food for that matter, once in the past three years. It troubles me that I cannot manage to go a day consuming less than 2000 calories without feeling the onset of starvation. The math doesn't add up.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to do everything in your power to have a healthy body, and still suffer from ill health? If I have a slice of pizza, I will feel it for five days. IT IS TERRIBLE.

I have never been a full fledged vegetarian. I ate meat occasionally (maybe 2-3 times a month). From everything I have studied before, plants are the best way to get EVERYTHING. I have watched documentaries on American meat industries that make it almost worth cutting a few years off of my life for the sake of preventing animal cruelty. I really haven't discussed this "eat style" with anyone because more than anything, I feel bad. Eventually I want to move to exclusively humane meats, but to be honest, I am just learning my A,B,C's when it comes to eating meat.

To apply one discipline to another, Joseph Pilates once said something to the tune of, "you have to be where you are to get to where you are going." This is a paraphrase. Google failed me on my search for the direct quote, but you get the point.

So -- I roasted a chicken tonight - with my mom. It was great fun.

Everyone enjoyed watching me try to carve the finished bird. (super serious) It is a good thing I am not a surgeon.

It was delicious. Much more delicious and filling than all of the loaves of bread I have eaten in the past few months. We roasted veggies too. After I had eaten my fill, I waited for my second wind. I worked out today, and I should be so hungry I could eat a truck load of food, right? It didn't happen. I just sat down satisfied and wrote this.

I am so lucky to have a family that is supportive of my experiments in health and fitness over the years. I cannot be classified as a yo-yo dieter, as I have remained (within five pounds) the same weight my entire adult life. I am just passionate about finding a path through the maze of conflicting nutritional "information" available today.

I just want to feel good - and live an active life that makes me happy.

I have leftovers for my lunch tomorrow. So excited.

.

11.7.09.01

2011-10-06T17:58:00.001-07:00

11.7.09.01 (from the archives - Nov. 2009)

I love magazines; I play with the edges of the pages as I flip through. I also have an embarrassing case of “advice column envy”. Despite the unrealistic idea that anything on these pages will be at all applicable to my life, I indulgently soak up “tips to live your busy life with more style, less stress, and without looking like you are sleep-deprived-and-running-twenty-minutes-late.” Featured is a model, sporting an ultra fashionable clothing suggestion suitable for working, partying, grocery shopping, and taking on “general tragedy in Africa”. I can relate, right? I know what it’s like to pick out clothes that will make it through the entire day, but my closet screams “uninspired business casual + jeans.” I’ve got my own daily survival strategies. To feel refreshed in between the stages of my day, I brush my teeth in the bathroom at work. My coworkers suspect OCD. I wonder if magazine chic also flips through glossy pages on the elliptical machine to pick up fashion tips as she sweats out a long day’s stress. She likely does… in her superwoman multitasking dress. What a dream – fantastic unreality!

11.7.09.02

2011-10-06T17:57:00.001-07:00

11.7.09.02 (from the archives - Nov. 2009)

I was on a run last Sunday, midtown to downtown; it’s a good route for hill training. The streets were so empty. As I heaved myself over the final steep slope, I noticed some of Saturday night’s leftovers trudging aimlessly ahead of me. It was chilly, but she wore a coat and shorts. She walked awkwardly…due to the daylight, I believe. She was thin, but the skin on her legs was dull and transparent. It hung from her muscles, held up by youth alone. It wouldn’t be long before that was gone as well, and her body would hang from her frame like an overused dishtowel. As I jogged past, I felt my body shrink away from the chilly air. I felt shame.

11.18.09

2011-10-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

11.18.09 (from the archives - obviously Nov. 2009)

The first thing I ever wrote that I personally liked was an essay for a women’s lit course. It was about the embodiment of experience.

The glorious masterpiece of a pretentious novice, it reeked of newly liberated feminist voice. Now, taken out of that context, I have come to appreciate the ways in which its existence has at different times resurfaced in my life.

Elated that I had created something that I truly loved, I had my boyfriend at the time read it. He set the paper down slowly after reading, and commented simply that he didn’t really understand it, but was glad that I had done a good job. The paper was not filled with complex themes or heavy vocabulary, so his comment did not make much literal sense. I left the situation slightly “put off” and confused, but I have not thought about it much since.

Three years later, in a recent declaration of my ambitions to pursue writing (first as a serious hobby and hopefully transitioning into a career) I was met with a strikingly similar response. I got the emotionless stare and, “That’s good. You really like writing.”

Upon hearing this echo from the past, I finally “got it”. This was the “white gloves” way of saying, “I think you are full of shit.” In hindsight, I think most people realize this. I am naïve to shield my pride.

Truth be told - It is more likely that I will fail than succeed. I need a lot of work. My stories need better form. I am terrible at writing dialogue. This journal will probably eventually be erased, and forgotten. At this point, I really have little to lose. I do know that I could spend every ounce of my creative energy molding words into ideas in ways I have never been able to express through other mediums.

I still have that first paper.
It will wait in a folder until I make good on a bet that I’m not bluffing.
There is a sticky note on the file…
“Come back to me when you have done something with yourself.”

A Forward Looking Perspective

2011-10-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

A Forward Looking Perspective (from the archives - December 2009)

About three months ago, I remember being extremely stressed about the upcoming months of 2009. Not without reason, I have been living two full time lives... in two cities. I am never fully tired; I am never fully awake. My body is threatening to fall apart, held together by my diehard devotion to healthy lifestyle choices.

I am two weeks from the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am the only one still in the game. Select family members and loved ones alike have jumped ship. There was a recent occurrence when I had returned home after a two hour round trip to Lincoln on a Saturday morning to take a test when my sister asked if I was Okay. I replied that I was obviously Okay, and I started describing my frustrations when I crumpled to the floor in uncontrollable tears. “They all said they were here for me, and now they are all gone, everybody is gone. I am supposed to be the one who is getting through a hard time in my life.” I am rational to a fault, but purposely maintain no filter for my emotions. I think it is unnatural to hold that stuff back. I felt selfish and terrible as I fell to pieces. After a few moments of complete ruin, I pulled myself together, went for a run, studied for seven hours, and enjoyed an evening with friends. There is a tattoo on my side that reads “Hold on dear life.” It sounds really cheesy, but I love it. It is optimism viewed through the lens of pain and struggle.

I just finished packing three boxes for my move in a few weeks. I organized my papers and made my two week to-do list of everything that needs to be accomplished before I have the least ceremonial graduation in history and make the least monumental transition to the next segment of life. I feel lucky that most people got tired of asking “what are you going to do with your life” a year ago.

This is the point in this composition that I should close with a forward looking optimistic generalization about the future, but I’ve been a planner and list maker since I could spell, and shit has never failed to hit me - head on like a freight train in the middle of the night. “Hold on dear life.”