Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts

Friday, November 18, 2011

What I would have said if I was not so diplomatic...


Disclaimer:  I spent too much time browsing http://www.someecards.com/ today.  Unable to find any that truly reflected my life perspective, I just wrote a few of my own.


I really appreciate your well-intended yet unsolicited advice that I have no intention of taking.

Its not you, its me - and the fact that I am not attracted to guys that I could toss around even though I am sure you are really nice.

I am listening to you when you tell me it is hard to make healthy choices, but I would have an easier time empathizing with you if you were not so lazy.

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Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Best Way to Start the Week - NOT

There is a sensor in your car that tells your transmission to shift gears. I know this because I have had this fixed before. I am happy to announce that it looks like I am going to have to have it fixed again. Here is a picture of Me and Allie by my car during a happier time of full car functionality. (I am not going to make any explanations at this time for the ridiculousness of this photo)
Automotive problems fall on my stress meter just below serious injury or illness to myself or a loved one. Every time automotive problems pop up I start seriously considering the following life changes that would free me from this expensive nuisance: 1. Career change - become a mechanic 2. Move to a city that has a functional public transportation system 3. Develop agoraphobia - making car ownership pointless Unfortunately, options 1 and 2 would take more time and money than car repairs. Option 3 is simply too unappealing to be feasible. My auto mechanic is Young Kim on 48th and Dodge.
I have always had good experiences and as an added bonus he sells Diet Dr. Pepper at his shop. I can hardly understand what he says, but I am not fluent in "car" so it isn't a big deal. Most importantly, his shop is within walking/running distance to work. My fantastic friend and coworker, Beth, is suppose to join me for a boot camp workout at 5:30 a.m. Beth has an "all or nothing" personality like myself, and instead of moderating each other's intensity, we tend to mutually make even more extreme choices. That being said, I am not about to let an annoyance like not having a vehicle keep me from getting ridiculously exhausted and sweaty at the crack of dawn. The game plan is as follows: 4:30 - drop my gym bag and personal belongings at the gym 4:45 - drop my car off at Young Kim's with my key and a note describing the issue 4:50 - Run down Dodge Street in the dark (note to self - lay out obnoxious reflective workout gear) 5:30 - Totally warmed up already - time for "Cardio Conditioning" class 6:30 - ? Kill time with work and any errands I can accomplish on foot from Midtown Crossing Sometime - walk/run back up Dodge (hopefully in daylight) to relinquish the rest of my remaining sales bonus. Eff. On a positive note, I am still holding onto the belief that everything happens for a reason. It may just be a mental defense mechanism, but if it is going to help me remain civil and functional despite extreme stress then I'll take it.
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About Sam

I am a writer in Omaha, Nebraska sharing my adventures in the foundations of healthy living - nutrition, being active, and being funny.

I was born in Kansas City in the sweltering summer of July, 1986. I was nearly born in the car because I was so pumped to get my life started. I have been bouncing off of the walls ever since. Growing up I hung out with the big kids who were even older than my sister (and best friend) Allie. I quickly developed an "I'm over it" 'tude toward kids my own age whose pastimes seemed juvenile - an interesting perspective coming from a preschooler. My snobbish worldview was hard earned however, as I was forced to learn both multiplication and division early to keep up when we played "school," and I was always forced to do dangerous stuff first to make sure it was okay, like eating unidentified berries and making the first run on super steep hills while sledding. We biked all day, ate wild honeysuckle, painted the house with mud, and collected cicada shells for no reason other than they stick to fabric and freaked my mom out.

I quickly realized that even little legs can get you as far as a car can, and as a young child, you really have nothing but time. My adventures were only restrained by the fact that adults do not find it acceptable for young children to explore the town on foot unaccompanied. I prematurely developed a desire to be an independent self-supporting person, so I opened a Kool-Aid/popcorn business to finance my big plans. Looking back, I would say that the only issues holding me back were my limited advertising budget and the fact that I was still too short to ride roller coasters. People just don't take you seriously when you can't go on the upside-down rides.

I was moved to Omaha in the second grade. I continued walking all over the place, exploring surrounding neighborhoods and visiting grocery stores to pick up my favorites: Goldfish, Sprite, and sugar cigarettes. I don't even think you can buy those anymore, and for the record, I never started smoking.

I never lost my hard work ethic, and I needed to increase my income to afford my new hobbies of beading and Polaroid photography. At the age of ten I mailed in a response to an advertisement for paper delivery routes without discussing the issue with my family. Sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands when people don't share you vision. The people at the Omaha World Herald must have had a good feeling about me becuase they contacted my parents to tell them that they wanted to hire me but would feel better if there was an older family member onboard. I still wonder if Allie holds any resentment toward me for pulling her into the labor force when she was only twelve.

In third grade, I followed Allie's lead and began taking dance classes at Mary Lorraine's Dance Center. For the next eleven years it became "what I did." Nowadays, I train more like an athlete, but I will always move like a dancer, and being in a studio will always feel like home.

After high school I relocated again (this time of my own volition) to study "everything" in the College of Business Administration at the University of Nebraska - Lincoln. I acquired a degree in marketing and finance that I may use someday. More importantly, I became a close friend and Alpha Phi sister with a cross country runner who easily persuaded me to train for the 2005 Lincoln half-marathon. I have been running ever since. In April 2011 I developed plantar fasciitis after jumping into an intense 50-70 mile/week schedule. This is the first athletic injury in my life. Although it has been indescribably frustrating both physically and emotionally, the silver lining is my increased receptivity to more variety in fitness disciplines.

I enjoy Pilates, yoga, enjoy Zumba, plyometric interval training, running, walking, and seeing how quickly I can run up stairs without losing my lunch. When I am too exhausted to move, I read and write. I love fiction, non-fiction, cookbooks, poetry, philosophy, song lyrics, and comedy. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I love spell check, and felt tip pens.

I am happy and optimistic most of the time. I enjoy living simply and deeply. I hope you enjoy what I have to share.







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