The Fear of Bulking Up - Part 2

Don't judge me, I'm bulking.

I wrote something a while ago about women avoiding strength training and/or CrossFit  because they do not want to become too muscular.  I stated that if you are a woman, then you shouldn't be afraid of "getting bulky" because putting on muscle is quite difficult.  It takes a long time and is too painful for most people to go through anyway.  This is still true, but as I have officially "crossed over" into the realm of "bulkiness" I have adopted what I consider to be a more advanced view on the issue. 

I think there is something we are missing when women talk to women about CrossFit.  Women who are new to weight training are functioning under two assumptions.  1. Muscles on women are unattractive. 2. If you do weight training, you will wake up one day with tons of muscles and be unattractive.

Training does change your body, but long before you have to buy new t-shirts, you will likely have a different idea of what attractive is, and you will likely be actually attracting more people. 

It's not that you will never get bigger, it's that by the time you get there, that is exactly what you are going to want. 

 This is what I actually look like without my Spiderman suit... or makeup... or coffee .

You will see things in yourself and others that you were previously blind to.  The mental image of the ideal body that you have been clinging to for years will fade as the things you are physically capable of take on infinitely greater importance.  You will meet awesome new people who genuinely appreciate you and think you are beautiful.  You will think they are beautiful, too.  If you are concerned that guys at bars won't think you are hot, you should read this sentence out loud and realize how silly you sound.  

I have met many people who claim to want new experiences and personal growth, but what they really want is more of the same thing to fit into the mold they have already created.  If you have the opportunity to do something that may change you as a person and expand your life, why in the world would you pass that up?  What an adventure.

I don't think that everyone should want to train like this.  But if you do want to be really strong and fit, and the only thing holding you back is the fear that you will become somehow less attractive, I beg you to reconsider, and trust me.  I have never met a strong woman who would give it up.  I doubt I ever will.

One Year of CrossFit

I have been meaning to write a post reflecting on my first year of CrossFit.  I have been working on this for a few weeks because, not surprisingly, it was difficult to choose a single, cohesive concept to encompass an entire year.  

One year ago I made a decision that changed the course of my life.  I decided I was going to "try CrossFit".  I sent a (now embarrassing) short autobiography to the owner of a gym downtown.  After I demonstrated my lack of fitness for 7 minutes, we went on a very educational 400 meter walk on which I was audience to an abridged history of CrossFit, the United States Armed Forces, and diet and programming for competitive athletes.  After some self-reflection and Facebook "encouragement" from the gym's head coach, I decided to sign a one year contract for unlimited classes.

During the next twelve months I underwent a pretty significant physical transformation.  I am not a naturally gifted athlete, but I was born with enough coordination to be good with lot of practice and hard work.  Sometimes I get frustrated that it takes me more practice to "get it", but I wouldn't change who I am if I could. If it came easier I don't think I would be willing to work so hard for it, and I don't think I would be as forgiving of myself when things don't go according to plan.  I am willing to literally tear myself apart in training even if I am going to come in last.  I did that for long enough that I don't come in last very often anymore, and sometimes, I come in first.  I did come in last today, but I came in first on Saturday ;-)

 

Unfortunately, until recently this toughness had not translated into all aspects of my personality.  Throughout the year, I used sarcasm and self-defeating humor to lighten the mood in situations where I lack confidence.   I am nice, but unwilling to take a leadership role except in situations where I feel completely comfortable.  I create harmony and camaraderie, but to the extent that I let myself get pushed around quite a bit.  I am done with it.

I am running out of jokes, and it is time to be something more than the nice girl who is pretty good at making fun of herself. There are times in your life when you just cannot be the same person you were the day before.  Like the extra small t-shirt I recently got trapped in (not a joke, I am super jacked now), I have outgrown my old role in my community. I owe so much to my gym for the athlete I have become, and it is time to pay it forward.  There are a lot of people who will be training for competition for the first time this year, and I know they are going to need support and leadership - because I did.

 

Training for team competition is a different kind of commitment.  It isn't something you do for a few months, then say, "I don't want to do this anymore because I have no life, and I am sick of eating broccoli, and training doesn't make me happy anymore, and the dramatics of my personal life are more important than the goals of my friends.  

 

I know it is hard, but I know that it is worth it, so I promise that I am not going anywhere.  I promise that I will be fully committed through the end of the 2013 season no matter what. I promise that I will be the kind of teammate that I want to have.  

I am not going to complain about ring dips, or feign apathy about workouts with handstand push ups because I am not going to get a "good time".  I am not going to use the excuse that "I just suck" to explain a poor performance, because I don't suck, and neither does anyone following the competition programming.  

I "accidentally" created the B-team last December because it was an easy way to blow off steam and frustration and joke about "not being there yet".  As I have grown, so has my "B team" which has come to embody the spirit of the underdog, and the willingness to put your ego aside and keep your shit together.  This is what I expect from myself and what I expect from my teammates.  

 

I could not ask for a better group of people to train with, and I look forward to being here for every body's pain, no reps, and success during my second year. 

 

Does Your Bullshit Make Me Look Fat?

I shit you not, somebody said this to me yesterday:

"I don't want to train like you because I want to be pretty." 

I am still trying to figure out in which alternate reality that isn't an insult. It's okay though, because if you think anorexic looks hot then starve away and stay the fuck out of my airspace.  Until I have a problem finding someone willing to have sex with me, I am not going to get too worried.  

I am starving and don't have time for a lengthy post, so I will get right to the point:

An alarming number of women are totally fucking delusional.  TRUTH BOMB: if you are a woman, and you are scared of "bulking up" or "gaining weight" then you have nothing to worry about because you don't have anything close to what it takes to get there anyway...

so settle down already, and quit trying to help me understand your lame ass concerns about your self image.  Quit blaming pop culture and the fashion industry for putting pressure on you.  Quit blaming your parents if you think it is their fault.  If your boyfriend likes you to be skinny, then he probably has a little penis and you can do better.  Grow the fuck up and quit giving out unsolicited word vomit opinions.  Quit telling people you are tough if you are scared of butter.  Butter is awesome and you are a fucking idiot.

Basically, if you have different goals and motivations then stay out of my business like I stay out of yours.  I am sure once you lose those last five pounds your life will be so great you won't even have time to be concerned with me anyway... right?

There is Only One Way to be Consistent

My only thought as I was looking at this week's programming was, "It is hard to wrap your mind around how much weight we are moving every week."   

Looking back over my progressive increase in strength training, I realized that it has always felt like a lot, but it has never been too much - from starting out with three strength workouts a week, to where I am currently sitting at 12 strength workouts, not including metcons (timed CF workouts).

If I had just been "doin' my own thing" for the past month, and then attempted the shit I have to do this week it would be like getting asked out for coffee and ending up face down, handcuffed to a bedpost.

For so long I have measured my progress using only two meters: workout times, and max effort lifts.  The easiest way to get discouraged is to start thinking that if you aren't hitting PRs, that you aren't making progress.  Unfortunately, it is the grey area between PRs when people tend to fall off the wagon.

It comes down to consistency.  If you do some of the program, you will get some of the benefits.

If you were building your home, you wouldn't leave out pieces of the foundation and hope for the best.  It works the same way with your body.  Toughness is more than busting out a few reps past comfortable on the workouts you do show up for.  Spending your lunch break in the weight room doing dumbell bench press doesn't give you that adrenaline rush that makes you feel like you should be starring in a Reebok CrossFit commercial, but it is the only.way.to.maximize.your.

potential...PERIOD.

Last week was a powerful week of training for me.  Early in the week I easily hit a new 5RM overhead squat of 110#...three times.  I did a set of 17 front squats at 120#, which makes me seriously question my previous 1RM of 145#.  On Friday, I landed a 100# SQUAT snatch after spending nearly ten months afraid to get underneath a barbell.  I did my first LEGIT weighted dip, and I did sets of 3 pull ups through 70# of band tension.  FUCK YEAH!  I am a bit sore today.

If you are consistent, then you will hit PRs, and you will start beating people who are stronger than you because you are a mean motherfucker who knows what suck really is.  

If you take my excitement as conceit then you clearly don't know me.  I could blog all day long about missed lifts, including one I missed in front of a few thousand people in a suburb outside of Chicago.  You win some, and you lose some, and the timing isn't always right.  That is training -- that is life.  

The only thing you can do is be honest and consistent with everything thing you do, and give everything your best because that is your character and there isn't another option.

Gravity Doesn't Give a Fuck About Your Problems

The workout "Isabel" is 30 snatches for time at 95 pounds for women/135 pounds for men.  In case you don't know me, I am a woman, so I did 95#.

I have been fixating on Isabel (in a completely non-sexual way) for about a month - pretty much ever since I was confident that I could physically complete the workout.  I have been feeling spicy lately, so I challenged my training partner and good friend Jessi to compete against me.  The idea was popular because who doesn't want to watch two chicks throw down on a workout that seems to be about a vagina.

Conveniently, I cannot think of another workout that we are better matched in.  Jessi's 1 rep max is only 5 pounds over mine, and both of our max lifts are barely over the weight for this workout: 100# for me, 105# for Jess.

Soooo... 30 attempts at 90% - 95% of my 1 rep max, at 100% intensity, against my best friend and training partner. NO BIG DEAL.  But honestly, its not a big deal.

I enjoy exercise because I don't waste brain space trying to draw parallels between lifting weights and living life.  Exercise is nothing like life.  A barbell is constant and simple.  Gravity doesn't give a fuck about your problems.  Oh, you overcame a barbell?  Tell me about how a stack of weights betrayed you.  Oh you endured a bunch of wallballs?  Tell me about how that compares to making deep personal sacrifices for another human.  Because if you can find a workout that makes it any easier to deal with life, sign me the fuck up.  On a positive note, I have been destroying workouts recently because I am like a hyper focused ball of aggression with nothing to lose.

lols

The average time for this workout is about 5:30.  As mentioned before, I am an average crossfitter, so we were hoping for six minutes and to not poop our pants.  We set up our bars facing each other with the clock between us, and right before we started our coach said, "if you stop, you will lose."  I just smiled.  Four and half minutes later, Jess and I called time within seconds of each other and collapsed to the floor, both of us happily clocking the fastest benchmark either of us has completed, ever.

Instead of my typical fist pump, I stumbled over to Jess laughing and gave her a high five.  I could not ask for a more genuine friend.  She brings out the absolute best in me, and I would do anything for her.

I know you are reading this, so thank you Jess.

How Much Work It Takes To Be Average

I just need to get this off my chest: do you have any idea how much work it takes to be average? 

I have been thinking about this topic for a few weeks, and it started to come together while I was having my mind blown watching the CrossFit Games last weekend.  It ispretty awesome to watch people do the same thing I do, just better than everyone else in the world.  If those men and women can't do it, then it can't be done yet. 

 

There will probably be a surge in membership inquiries at CrossFit gyms as viewers decide that those workouts look like more fun than walking on a treadmill while reading a magazine.  CrossFit IS fun (if you are totally fucked in the head and love to beat the living shit out of yourself with training).  I fall into this category, and I will never be able to coach myself because I would set an unofficial world record in "reaching over training for time."  Luckily, if you combine an athlete that enjoys soul destroying exercise with a coach that doesn't put up with bullshit, you can get quite a bit done.

So you want to "do CrossFit?"  You have two choices: training will suck, or you will suck... and here is the disclaimer... you won't be good for a long time, and you may never be great.  Shame on anyone who tells you otherwise.

 

I have been training for 9 months with few missed workouts and very little deviation from my coach's programming.  In the time it takes to make a baby, I have put on more lean mass than the weight of two babies.  I have roughly doubled my general capacity to do work, and I am average.  FUCK YEAH! + fist pump.  I am not merely speculating either - compared to everyone who participated in the 2012 CrossFit Games Open and everybody who submits workout scores in beyondthewhiteboard.com, I am an average crossfitter.

 

CrossFit is becoming SUPER popular.  I am always excited to talk to someone who is thinking of starting or who has just started, because training has had such a profoundly positive impact on my life, but the biggest misconception I have encountered is people who think they can do this shit on their own terms.  "Doing CrossFit" with the same amount of effort and attention that you have given your elliptical workouts doesn't make you tough - it makes you a pussy in a more expensive gym.

Some like to collect gold stars for participation, and combine mild hardship with out of context quotes to feel good about mediocre effort.  Here is the thing about CrossFit... if you give a medicore effort, you will be bad.  If you give 100% effort for months, you can be average.  If you give 100% effort for years, you could be great (maybe).  If you are dedicated and hard as fuck, you will always continue to get better and you won't have that nagging empty feeling that anybody is lying to make you feel better

Not everyone has to want to be great at exercise, but everyone should want to be honest, and nobody is entitled to having sunshine blown up their ass.  

And if one more person tells me "you look great, but I don't really want to bulk up." then I will bitch slap you like I did to Jessi McCain outside of Blanc Burgers.

Waiting For the Morning

I haven't written anything in awhile. Sadly, despite an infinite possible combination of words, I have spent an eternity staring at a blank screen. 

The past six weeks of my life have been pretty fucking miserable.  Irreconcilable differences with an ex-teammate have left me with my gym bag packed - ready to say goodbye to my friends... my second family.  In training I have been simply going through the motions, hopeful for a time when I again have any spare heart for the dramatics of competitive exercise.

 "It's a mental thing for me," is a pretty common thing to hear from someone when they are performing poorly.  THIS IS A STUPID SACK OF SHIT EXCUSE FOR BEING A STUPID WEAK ASS SACK OF SHIT.  You will never hear me throw a fit over a barbell.  Because it is a barbell.  There are bigger stakes.

I love training so much it is silly.  I smile and laugh and tell jokes mid-workout.  I will be strength training until I die.  My children will be stronger than college girls.  It is literally making me ill that I don't love it right now, and I am desperately jealous of everyone who has the energy to be concerned about how much they can hang squat clean. 

I am really looking forward to a time when I am happily training again, whatever that means and wherever that may be.

This isn't the end of the story, merely one of the middle chapters that I will look back on eventually and say, with nostalgic wisdom, that to see the sunrise you have to make it through the night.

I have always been a morning person, anyway.