Friday, October 21, 2011

It will either make you as tough as nails, or help you realize that you already were.

(alternate title: eff off, you don't know me)

Compared to the fittest women in the world, I am not very physically powerful.  While training in a method that produced the fittest people in the world, it has been a daily ordeal of stripping me down to the core of my being.  Pride, ego, composure, all gone.  All that is left is a broken sweaty heap of flesh on the smelly floor.  

I came to CrossFit as an injured, yet devoted runner.  I came to this method of training not because I want to look great naked, or because I wanted to be the meanest strongest beast of a woman out there.  Both are totally legitimate goals.  They are just not mine.  

It has been suggested that although I may have a good "foundation" of mental toughness developed though athletic training, I do not yet have grit - the ability to persevere through pain.  In regards to this misinterpretation, I blame my naturally effervescent personality, my infrequent use of obscenities, and my preference to hold my tongue to avoid pointless disagreement.  But such a suggestion is just dead wrong.  Dead, fucking, wrong. 

I have no doubt that CrossFit is the most effective method of developing elite physical fitness, but there is no way I am going to let anybody suggest the inferiority of my mental toughness simply because I cannot yet throw a pile of weights over my head while issuing a war cry.  Have no doubt that if it was required of me to rebuild the pyramids, I would toil pebble by pebble, stone by stone until my hands were covered in blood and I lay expired in complete physical exhaustion.  

I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with running in college when various pressures led me to find myself with an ever shrinking body.  I am not sure how I got there, or what happened inside of me to get me out.  I remember a close friend asking why I was doing it to myself, and my only response was that I wanted to hurt until someone would hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.  Nobody came, I was not carried through the dark trenches of my self-inflicted pain in a strong loving embrace.  Through athletics I was able to pull myself back from the edge and develop a strength and self-confidence that made sure that nobody was going to tear me down that far again, including myself.

I am sticking with this training regimen, no doubt.  My body is already starting to change and become stronger.  For the next six months, if I am told to jump, I will ask "how high?"  I plan on devoting the winter to my training with an intensity that I never in my life have given to anything.  If that takes more mental isolation and a rougher attitude - so be it.   

In this moment, I find peace with myself, confidence in my own capacity in the present and future.  I untether myself from any reality besides my own.

In May I am going to line up at the starting line in Lincoln a changed athlete, hopefully this time with a level of physical fitness to match that of my mind.  I will not be running to prove that CrossFit trumps running though... I will be racing to win.
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About Sam

I am a writer in Omaha, Nebraska sharing my adventures in the foundations of healthy living - nutrition, being active, and being funny.

I was born in Kansas City in the sweltering summer of July, 1986. I was nearly born in the car because I was so pumped to get my life started. I have been bouncing off of the walls ever since. Growing up I hung out with the big kids who were even older than my sister (and best friend) Allie. I quickly developed an "I'm over it" 'tude toward kids my own age whose pastimes seemed juvenile - an interesting perspective coming from a preschooler. My snobbish worldview was hard earned however, as I was forced to learn both multiplication and division early to keep up when we played "school," and I was always forced to do dangerous stuff first to make sure it was okay, like eating unidentified berries and making the first run on super steep hills while sledding. We biked all day, ate wild honeysuckle, painted the house with mud, and collected cicada shells for no reason other than they stick to fabric and freaked my mom out.

I quickly realized that even little legs can get you as far as a car can, and as a young child, you really have nothing but time. My adventures were only restrained by the fact that adults do not find it acceptable for young children to explore the town on foot unaccompanied. I prematurely developed a desire to be an independent self-supporting person, so I opened a Kool-Aid/popcorn business to finance my big plans. Looking back, I would say that the only issues holding me back were my limited advertising budget and the fact that I was still too short to ride roller coasters. People just don't take you seriously when you can't go on the upside-down rides.

I was moved to Omaha in the second grade. I continued walking all over the place, exploring surrounding neighborhoods and visiting grocery stores to pick up my favorites: Goldfish, Sprite, and sugar cigarettes. I don't even think you can buy those anymore, and for the record, I never started smoking.

I never lost my hard work ethic, and I needed to increase my income to afford my new hobbies of beading and Polaroid photography. At the age of ten I mailed in a response to an advertisement for paper delivery routes without discussing the issue with my family. Sometimes you need to take matters into your own hands when people don't share you vision. The people at the Omaha World Herald must have had a good feeling about me becuase they contacted my parents to tell them that they wanted to hire me but would feel better if there was an older family member onboard. I still wonder if Allie holds any resentment toward me for pulling her into the labor force when she was only twelve.

In third grade, I followed Allie's lead and began taking dance classes at Mary Lorraine's Dance Center. For the next eleven years it became "what I did." Nowadays, I train more like an athlete, but I will always move like a dancer, and being in a studio will always feel like home.

After high school I relocated again (this time of my own volition) to study "everything" in the College of Business Administration at the University of Nebraska - Lincoln. I acquired a degree in marketing and finance that I may use someday. More importantly, I became a close friend and Alpha Phi sister with a cross country runner who easily persuaded me to train for the 2005 Lincoln half-marathon. I have been running ever since. In April 2011 I developed plantar fasciitis after jumping into an intense 50-70 mile/week schedule. This is the first athletic injury in my life. Although it has been indescribably frustrating both physically and emotionally, the silver lining is my increased receptivity to more variety in fitness disciplines.

I enjoy Pilates, yoga, enjoy Zumba, plyometric interval training, running, walking, and seeing how quickly I can run up stairs without losing my lunch. When I am too exhausted to move, I read and write. I love fiction, non-fiction, cookbooks, poetry, philosophy, song lyrics, and comedy. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I love spell check, and felt tip pens.

I am happy and optimistic most of the time. I enjoy living simply and deeply. I hope you enjoy what I have to share.







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