Yoga will not make you fit. Period.

When I started strength training I realized that I was a worthless, weak, sack of shit, but in my typical diplomatic style I held a "to each his own" stance on fitness.

Well, I am officially going to change my stance. To each his own on how you spend your time, but the only way to become a fit human is to do weight bearing work. "Doing cardio" is a nice way of saying you are too weak to pick up heavy stuff and move it around. Hopping around like five year old on crack to top 40 remixes is not going to make you fit. Neither is yoga.

I read "How yoga makes you fit" during my lunch break because I forgot my laptop and Pinterest has been boring today anyway.  Here is my Spark Notes: It doesn't.

I love it when magazine articles provide such earth shattering info bits like, "The heft of scientific evidence shows that fitter people are less likely to suffer from heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and certain cancers." (Found in "Pump it Up" by Yoga Journal Staff in the February 2012 Issue)


Fit people are less likely to be sick... DUH. Not surprisingly, the article is unable to provide any scientific data backing up the inferred claim that a yoga practice improves fitness. I am really starting to wonder how this article made it past the editor, who is either a terrible critical reader, or is hoping that the entire reading audience is.


Settle down, I love yoga too. I actually have yoga to thank for my composure and ability to let go of frustration during tough workouts and situations in life. Yoga helps me calm my mind and practice releasing mental tension and frustration. A skill that transfers very well to real strenuous exercise. Yoga improves my flexibility (somewhat, but so does just stretching). Yoga is a fun and calming way to spend an hour. Yoga does not make you fit. A yoga practice can bring many powerful benefits into a person's life, but quit trying to hammer the nail with a screwdriver. Downward dog is not a skill transfer exercise for lifting a sandbag over your head. Get real.


I am going to be incorporating more yoga and stretching into my life because it is not physically possible to do any more intense training and I am as wound up as a tangled Slinky... but there is no way I am going to quit going "lion-mode" at the gym just because I have to buy bigger yoga pants and some vegan writer was high enough on patchouli and world peace to suggest that I could get fit without ever having to leave my comfortable, eco-friendly foam rectangle. 


Namaste, bitches.

January 28th Will Go Down in History

January 28th.  It has been one year since I broke up with my ex boyfriend.  I know this because Facebook let me know that it is his birthday. Funny, and true.  (we're cool - friends on Facebook)

What is better than a good break up joke?  Finally getting pull ups!!  (Not joking here either, and nobody is surprised that I still get both sides of the bed every night). 

If you are reading this, you are probably one of my exercise friends (because those are the only type of people who can stand me anymore) and you can probably do about 5000 unbroken pull ups.  That rocks, but nobody is going to rain on my M.F. parade.  When your toddler graduated from diapers to pull ups did you shame him for not being able to write his name in the snow?  When I started training 14 weeks ago, I needed 75 pounds of assistance to move my body that weighed 20 pounds less.  I graduated second grade, so I can tell you with confidence that this is a 95 pound improvement.  I'll take it.  NOW, there is work to be done.  Ring dips, handstand push ups, muscle ups?  Game on.  

I spend about equal time glorifying and making fun of exercise.  Clearly, I think my hobbies are better than other hobbies.  Otherwise, I would do something else with my time.  It is fun, and easy to make fun of CrossFit, until you need someone to help you move furniture.  I am sorry that watching the Bachelor didn't prepare you move that antique oak dresser - should have thought of that before you made fun of my fucking pull up holiday.

So if you are physically able, celebrate with me.  It's like Festivus.  Everyone is welcome.  Do a pull up, and give yourself a high five for being a physically competent human in a world that is drowning in gluttony, sloth, and apathy.  Now go eat some bacon and have sex.

Clearing the Air - The Whole Team

I feel like I need to clear the air on this whole "B Team" business.

This is an interesting time to be CrossFitting.  More specifically, this is an interesting time to be new to CrossFitting.  A Reebok commercial aired today during the Packers/Giants game that signaled a monumental turning point in CrossFit as a grassroots, organic movement to a media bitch of a sport.  Tomorrow, many people will make inquiries to local Crossfit affiliates looking for someone they can pay to make them look like the people in Womens/Mens Health Magazines.  It isn't really hard to see what will happen.  I forecast a positive correlation between box memberships and glorification of "woding your best" and wods to cure diseases (just eat Paleo and you can do more to prevent cancer).

The thing about commercialization is it doesn't scare away the crazy people.  The sport/cult will see an increase in mediocre followers, but anyone who disregards something because of its popularity is as shallow as someone who follows something because of its popularity.  People are always going to push the limits of human capacity in athletics because intrinsic motivation for greatness runs deep.  Some still feel the itch.  I am commercially apathetic, so I have had some mixed feelings about "the sport of fitness" going mainstream.  Apathy wins out, I still don't care.

The thing I love about CrossFit is that it is purely competitive.  When a group of people complete the same work, the time required to complete the work clearly determines the most powerful person.  There is no room for interpretation.  This brings me to my "point" on the "B TEAM"...

The "A Team" has a right to be distinguished from everyone else.  They are awe inspiring athletes.  I am so lucky and thankful to be able to be on the same team as athletes that are competitive on a global scale.  CrossFit makes it possible for us all to be on the same team because the timed and competitive structure of the workouts makes it unnecessary to tell anyone how they stack up.  It wasn't that making a B Team wasn't true, it's that it wasn't necessary.  That being said, I have never given 100% on a workout and received anything but respect.  

Today was the final day of a 21 day training cycle.  It has been the hardest I have ever trained for anything in my life.  Three months ago I struggled putting 35 pounds over my head, and today I get frustrated when I can't break 100.  Although I am chasing the coat tails of my team, I am going to take a second to appreciate the fact that I am an exponentially more powerful woman than I was a few months ago.  God help anyone who tries to take me on once I have enough time to let my body catch up with my ambition.  

Luckily, I have the best team in the world that will push me to absolute edge of my athletic potential.  

Credits:

A Team, B Team, B2 Team, Everyone at F2F

Fit 2 Fight CrossFit

819 S 7th Street

Omaha, NE 

http://fit2fightomaha.com/index.php

(I did not get paid or told to do this)

Reporting from the B Team

I wasn't going to write today, but I am hostage beneath a bag of ice, and none of you fuckers are entertaining me on Facebook. 

I was invited out for a drink with a good friend, and I really wanted to go raise a glass to the most painful week of my life, but I am in too much pain.  Long story short, my left shoulder is mush and yesterday I had a nasty spasm in my right mid-back that has resulted in a knot the size of midget's fist.  Luckily, I now have mandatory intimate sessions with a lacrosse ball several times a day.  My life is so sexy.


I am not going to get all inspirational because that's the kind of stuff you do when it doesn't hurt anymore.  I am going to be honest and admit that I have spent the greater part of the last 24 hours talking myself into continuing CrossFit.  For the first time in 12 weeks, it started to feel "not worth it," and I really have no guarantee that it is worth it.  I guess it's just some strange faith that I have since I am not religious otherwise.   

So anyway, I am going to keep training.  I got the okay from the chiropractor that I (probably) don't have a broken back, so I guess I will just keep at it because I know I will EVENTUALLY feel better and then I will be super freakin' awesome.  Boom.  In your face, A team.

I was planning on pulling the "I'm gonna watch - too hurt to workout" card, but there was never a good opportunity to bow out.  I ended up pounding out a less than impressive "B Team" performance.  Scaled weight and slower times.  Kiss my ass.  I am here and am sacrificing A LOT for this - obviously my social life and comfort to name a few.  Forgive me for not giving you my Miss America smile.  No offense beauty queens, but Miss America wouldn't even make the Z team.  

I am in no way championing losers' pride.  Being relegated to the B team and being called pathetic when my back is exploding just inspires some mixed emotions as I vacillate between rage and motivation.  Did I get in over my head?  Probably.  Am I going to stop?  Probably not.  Stubborn, crazy, tough, pussy?  Who knows?  It doesn't matter, and I am too fucking tired to answer pointless questions.

 My sincerest apologies to everyone who doesn't understand.  If you want to worry about someone, maybe go find a smoker or someone who is lazy.  There are only a few people in the world I take advice from, so if you aren't one of them, don't waste your time.  Happy new year to the whole "team" of ten that made it to the gym at 3pm on world hangover day - 2012 - year of the dragon.

On a final note, this post is dedicated to Pearl, who says my writing gives her "warm fuzzies."  Couldn't ask for a better compliment from a girl who's "got kettlebells for days."