Reading List

I am sick of talking about (and thinking about) my workouts and meals.  It is a little known fact that I have any other interests.  

Today I am thinking about the author, Sarah Hall.  

I was introduced to Sarah Hall in 2006.  I actually stumbled upon The Carhullan Army (Daughters of the North) while wasting time at the University Bookstore at the University of Nebraska - Lincoln.  I love reading, but I have left many books unfinished because I feel little obligation to finish a book I do not connect with.  In the same way that I do not seek the company of every human on earth, I do not believe that I am going to become a more merited person by consuming great volumes of literature simply because a piece may be by some standards "excellent writing."  

Daughters of The North is a story of gender blind camaraderie and love.  The story's honest, natural, and raw portrayal of female strength is beautiful and comforting despite the violent story line.  I devoured the book like the company of lover after an long separation.  I was 19 at the time, and desperately seeking a dialogue that reflected my own search for a more real existence.

The story has stuck with me through these years, although I have not consciously thought about it until about a week ago.  Strange.  I was driving up Pacific Street feeling completely physically and emotionally used up.  I rarely get "stressed out" - at least not by the ebb and flow of daily life.  I do not typically seek audience to "vent," and when I am grappling with more serious questions I have often found others' attempts at empathy hollow.  Not from lack of effort.  Real empathy is tough to come by.  It is during these times that I have found companionship in woman I have never met.  Through the writing of strong, passionate women I find comfort and sisterhood.  This experience, what you are feeling is real, and I love you.

Upon returning to Sarah Hall today, I had a happy discovery.  Her newest collection of short works will be released this upcoming month!  Pre-order done!  

This gives me just enough time to swing by Half-Price Books to pick up one of her other novels that I have yet to read including: Haweswater, The Electric Michelangelo, and How to Paint a Dead Man.

I am not going to recommend every man, woman, and child race to the bookstore to pick up a Sarah Hall novel, but if my review struck a nerve, I think it would be worth your while.

http://www.sarahhallauthor.com/ (check it out!)

Counting Calories Will Mess You Up

My workout today was: eat as much food as possible.  I am not even joking.  I have the appetite of a T-Rex.  I ate 1.5 lbs of meat today. 

I wonder how many Calories I hav.................STOP.  It doesn't matter, yet I doubt I will ever be able to stop the constant tick.

I have never been a Calorie counter, but I am a "numbers person," and I do find myself constantly making calculations like I have an internal reality GPS.  Caloric information is SO available and has received such a focus that countless people have developed a debilitating Calorie obsession.

Food for thought (pun intended): Consider the energy that is currently being invested in an effort to make mandatory Caloric information in restaurants.  What if we spent the same time and energy educating people to make sound nutritional choices?  F* the food pyramid.  Oh wait, isn't it a plate now?  Either way, its lame.

Some people (myself included) are able to manually override the undercurrent of Calorie Mania.  A lucky few have developed a dysfunction-free relationship with food.  This is my goal, and unfortunately I think it will be a battle I will be fighting for myself and those I love for a long time.

It is pretty ironic that while contemplating Calories, I stumbled across these: LO CAL AVOCADOS!  Calorie phobia is ruining our food!!

I haven't tried mine yet, but the reviews online aren't great.  They were described as watery and flavorless.  Not surprising of a low calorie version of a nutritiously rich food. 

I picked up some normal avocados also for PALEO PUDDING!

4 avocados - 24 dates -1 cup cocoa - Some water

Put everything in a food processor (not a Ninja as you see here... it doesn't work.  You have to use a food processor)

Add a little water... 

Blend, add some water, and repeat until smooth. 

This recipe makes 8 servings.  I have some extra to share, but if there are no takers it will be gone in a few days. 

You could easily spice up this recipe with nuts or coconut.  If you want to sweeten it up you could add a little honey. 

If you want to get really crazy you could top strawberries with it and feed it to your sexy lover.

...and then burn off all of those Calories you didn't even bother counting.

Happy Paleoween

CAVE GIRL - for real.
I went to Vala's Pumpkin Patch today and worked up an appetite dodging wild children. 

Don't find this photo attractive?  Good, because it's not, but that leg tasted so good.








There isn't really any delicate way to do this...

Happy Paleoween!

It will either make you as tough as nails, or help you realize that you already were.

(alternate title: eff off, you don't know me)

Compared to the fittest women in the world, I am not very physically powerful.  While training in a method that produced the fittest people in the world, it has been a daily ordeal of stripping me down to the core of my being.  Pride, ego, composure, all gone.  All that is left is a broken sweaty heap of flesh on the smelly floor.  

I came to CrossFit as an injured, yet devoted runner.  I came to this method of training not because I want to look great naked, or because I wanted to be the meanest strongest beast of a woman out there.  Both are totally legitimate goals.  They are just not mine.  

It has been suggested that although I may have a good "foundation" of mental toughness developed though athletic training, I do not yet have grit - the ability to persevere through pain.  In regards to this misinterpretation, I blame my naturally effervescent personality, my infrequent use of obscenities, and my preference to hold my tongue to avoid pointless disagreement.  But such a suggestion is just dead wrong.  Dead, fucking, wrong. 

I have no doubt that CrossFit is the most effective method of developing elite physical fitness, but there is no way I am going to let anybody suggest the inferiority of my mental toughness simply because I cannot yet throw a pile of weights over my head while issuing a war cry.  Have no doubt that if it was required of me to rebuild the pyramids, I would toil pebble by pebble, stone by stone until my hands were covered in blood and I lay expired in complete physical exhaustion.  

I developed a deep and meaningful relationship with running in college when various pressures led me to find myself with an ever shrinking body.  I am not sure how I got there, or what happened inside of me to get me out.  I remember a close friend asking why I was doing it to myself, and my only response was that I wanted to hurt until someone would hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.  Nobody came, I was not carried through the dark trenches of my self-inflicted pain in a strong loving embrace.  Through athletics I was able to pull myself back from the edge and develop a strength and self-confidence that made sure that nobody was going to tear me down that far again, including myself.

I am sticking with this training regimen, no doubt.  My body is already starting to change and become stronger.  For the next six months, if I am told to jump, I will ask "how high?"  I plan on devoting the winter to my training with an intensity that I never in my life have given to anything.  If that takes more mental isolation and a rougher attitude - so be it.   

In this moment, I find peace with myself, confidence in my own capacity in the present and future.  I untether myself from any reality besides my own.

In May I am going to line up at the starting line in Lincoln a changed athlete, hopefully this time with a level of physical fitness to match that of my mind.  I will not be running to prove that CrossFit trumps running though... I will be racing to win.

It Will Never Work - A "Dear John" to an Old Lifestyle

I know I am better off without you, but sometimes you still cross my mind.

If you have read anything I have written in the past - long while - you know I am not reminiscing over a human relationship, but over my wild love affair with grains.

When I began eating a strictly Paleo diet over a month ago, I was "trying it out." I am very experimental with nutrition, and have been accused of jumping on the bandwagon more than once. In my defense, this is slightly different from being a fair weather fan. I am truly passionate about holistic health and am willing to immerse myself in learning through experience.

"Diet" is unfortunately currently associated with a CHANGE in food consumption, usually with the primary goal being weight loss. The word diet is really a much broader way of describing the general composition of food intake to fuel human activity and vital physiological functions. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, the first definition of diet is, "food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health." Contemplating this more broad way of defining diet, we can come to another conclusion: we should not have to make a CHANGE in the way we eat to achieve optimum health, vitality, and longevity. Our diet should be what we are doing all the time.

In the same token, "fitness" really just means "well adapted to ones environment." Holistic and natural living is more like diving into the water as opposed to simply dipping your toes. You can easily see why I broke up with the elliptical machine around the same time I broke it off with bread.

So why the puppy dog eyes and pouting lips this evening? I found myself at Starbucks this morning, looking longingly at a beautiful and sweetly fragrant display of body destroying starchy delights. Having strictly eliminated grains from my diet many weeks ago, I no longer have cravings for such comfort foods, but with nostalgia, my heart sank knowing I could never go back.

With undeniable clinical proof of the damage caused by grains in the body, and my own personal complete health turnaround, there is no way I will ever be able to "go back" to my old diet. My switch to a Paleo diet has ended a life long battle with food intolerance. It has improved my energy, physical training capacity, and ability to think clearly. I have no doubt that it can help anyone overweight achieve weight loss, although that was not a goal or issue for me before the switch. There is plenty of awesome literature on achieving weight loss through Paleo nutrition if that is your first goal.

We had a good time. Sourdough baguette with fresh butter - big bowl of angel hair pasta - extra large popcorn at the movies. Its a small world and we will not forever be able to avoid each other. The sight of you may remind me of devouring you with ravenous abandon followed by exhausted slumber. (Perhaps my primal instincts are now more acute too. hmmmm, sigh)

But it will never work out. Hugs and kisses - with both sadness and hope for the future, I bid you farewell, forever.

It never gets easier, but at least you know what you have coming.

I was told that CrossFit never gets easier, but my nervous system will get better at handling the shock.  Fantastic.

I survived my first three days of CrossFit.  I nearly had to watch "Miracle" to get myself out of bed the last two mornings.  Despite all of the self motivation, I still made a fool of myself and was described as, "weak as a kitten."  I wish I could have at least found my claws.

This is Ruby K.E. (Ruby Kitten Eternal) She is my Mom's cat who I started calling "kitten eternal" when she failed to grow to full size in adulthood.

Running errands was perhaps not the best choice after my workout.  I spent about 30 seconds at the intersection of 15th and Howard before realizing the light wasn't going to change.  I was at a four way stop sign.  Eff.

I made it safely to Trader Joes and got some healthy foods.

aaaaaand some PLANTAIN CHIPS! (true love)

I must have good karma today because my luck continued when I visited my Mom's house and she surprised me with vegetables from her late blooming "yardin" (yard garden) which I have actually renamed "yungle" (yard jungle) You live and you learn.  Congrats to Kellie Schrader for a successful first year of organic gardening!

Tomorrow is active recovery.  You will be able to find me at Prairie Life Fitness in Ralston in ballet attire in the group fitness studio.  After three days of humbling workouts that have left my pride as wounded as my body, I am ready to be rid of the stopwatch and let my body move and stretch and lift and turn. 

Then I am going to go home and sharpen my claws.  Game face for Monday.

Coexist - CrossFit & Zumba (just not in the same afternoon)

The best way to get fit is... whatever you like enough to throw yourself into like it is play.

I recently stumbled across this video. The timing could not be more perfect.

I had my first official CrossFit workout today at Fit2Fight in downtown Omaha. It was the hardest 19 minute and 31 second workout I've ever done. Tough, but doable, especially with great coaching. It was definitely obvious that I have plenty of room for improvements (my shoulders can barely support a basket of butterflies). At the same time, I wasn't made to feel ashamed that I was fighting a losing battle with a 35 pound bar (no added weight).

After CrossFit I stopped at Prairie Life - Midtown for Zumba. The class was a riot. My friend and coworker, Beth, dances like a monkey on drugs. I could not help but bring it on to match her energy while trying to not lose it in a fit of laughter. My urge to laugh stopped pretty immediately when we "dropped it low" and I could feel every one of the 180 squats I had done an hour earlier. oooooo wow. I am glad we didnt' get out the shake weights or we may have had a broken mirror on our hands.

So - CrossFit or Zumba? Jury is still out in my opinion. I will probably not make the choice to do CrossFit AND Zumba back to back again though.

Give it a Break

Are you working out, balls to the wall, 7 days a week, and are still a chunky monkey? If you really want to see RESULTS then XtraXtreme fitness is for you!! You will be, LITERALLY VOMITING UP YOUR STOMACH LINING 3 times per workout!

Just kidding! You just need to stop eating crap and give yourself a break. I like fitness professionals. They are my friends and coworkers. I have worked with a personal trainer, and I have a blast in group fitness classes. One strange observation I have made however, is how workouts are getting more and more intense, yet people are not getting more and more fit. It is like scaling a mountain and doing jumping jacks at the top. Lame - settle down and take a photo! I am of acquaintance with a woman who spends an exorbitant amount of cash on her gym rat lifestyle, and I am quite sure the effort is only going of offset takeout meals and binge drinking. To each his own, but I get exhausted just thinking about such a "work hard, play hard, die young of chronic inflammation and oxidative stress lifestyle." Ugh. She has great intentions, and I must admit that I am choosing to pick on her because she was recently close talking me in the locker room when I really needed some personal space to put on my underroos. In defense of my seemingly lame, low-intensity workouts -- My favorite workout is walking. Walking outside is definitely the best. Take a friend and some cash, get lunch, get your vitamin D, practice socializing outside of Faceworld. When it is chilly, I like to walk on a treadmill on an incline and listen to music that makes me feel like I am clubbing. This is from a walk in Dundee on Underwood Street. I took a picture becuase it WAS pointing toward my home!

I love a crazy wild workout that leaves me sopping wet and delirious, but humans are not made to exert that much intensity every day. Pretty soon we will be paying for boot camp for kids sponsored by McDonald's. Just think about the whole idea of eating something that you will have to "burn off" later. It is really a strange concept - and a big sum zero game. Gimme an apple and a yoga class - you can keep your chicken fingers and aerobics Xtreme. When I feel overwhelmed I {try} to meditate on a calming mantra to refocus. This one is particularly good for when I notice myself pushing a little too hard for no reward beyond exhaustion -- Be strong, it isn't always going to be easy, but have faith, it doesn't always have to be hard.

The Best Way to Start the Week - NOT

There is a sensor in your car that tells your transmission to shift gears. I know this because I have had this fixed before. I am happy to announce that it looks like I am going to have to have it fixed again. Here is a picture of Me and Allie by my car during a happier time of full car functionality. (I am not going to make any explanations at this time for the ridiculousness of this photo)

Automotive problems fall on my stress meter just below serious injury or illness to myself or a loved one. Every time automotive problems pop up I start seriously considering the following life changes that would free me from this expensive nuisance: 1. Career change - become a mechanic 2. Move to a city that has a functional public transportation system 3. Develop agoraphobia - making car ownership pointless Unfortunately, options 1 and 2 would take more time and money than car repairs. Option 3 is simply too unappealing to be feasible. My auto mechanic is Young Kim on 48th and Dodge.

I have always had good experiences and as an added bonus he sells Diet Dr. Pepper at his shop. I can hardly understand what he says, but I am not fluent in "car" so it isn't a big deal. Most importantly, his shop is within walking/running distance to work. My fantastic friend and coworker, Beth, is suppose to join me for a boot camp workout at 5:30 a.m. Beth has an "all or nothing" personality like myself, and instead of moderating each other's intensity, we tend to mutually make even more extreme choices. That being said, I am not about to let an annoyance like not having a vehicle keep me from getting ridiculously exhausted and sweaty at the crack of dawn. The game plan is as follows: 4:30 - drop my gym bag and personal belongings at the gym 4:45 - drop my car off at Young Kim's with my key and a note describing the issue 4:50 - Run down Dodge Street in the dark (note to self - lay out obnoxious reflective workout gear) 5:30 - Totally warmed up already - time for "Cardio Conditioning" class 6:30 - ? Kill time with work and any errands I can accomplish on foot from Midtown Crossing Sometime - walk/run back up Dodge (hopefully in daylight) to relinquish the rest of my remaining sales bonus. Eff. On a positive note, I am still holding onto the belief that everything happens for a reason. It may just be a mental defense mechanism, but if it is going to help me remain civil and functional despite extreme stress then I'll take it.

All gone - I can put away a bag of Plantain Chips faster than you can say, "are those kinda like bananas?"

Not quite, but those are great too.

Meat Sale

Life was overwhelming today. Today was a continuous unraveling of the ball of yarn that was my stress from this week.

I bought 15 pounds of meat today at Super Savers semi-annual "mega meat sale"

My life for the past three weeks can be summarized as "hunting, gathering, and American original sin" (finding affordable food that does not contain grain derivatives while dealing with the guilt of animal cruelty)

There is no denying that since switching to a diet that consists of only fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds, and lean meat, I have physically felt better than I can ever remember. I was never a vegetarian because I don't enjoy the taste of meat or because I thought eating meat was wrong. Ideally, I would purchase only cruelty-free animal products - for my health and to economically vote for farmers and ranchers who did things the right way. Unfortunately, I do not currently have the budget, or time to be so absolute. Perhaps I do if I put more effort into finding good deals and buying direct from local producers. Where is the time in my day for this? Is this even important? Why can't I focus? I need to sleep.

I walked out of the store bewildered, toting 15 pounds of meat that I am far too exhausted to prepare today. I seriously became overwhelmed, on the verge of tears on my drive home. I cannot remember being more ethically confused. As a vegetarian, I was at the end of my rope in unresolved health issues, yet I was able to "opt-out" of really having an honest opinion about commercial meat production.

Opinions are merely accessories unless the issue at hand is consciously affecting your decisions.

I wish research, or the well intended advice of friends could help me work through this, but I am just going to have to let this one boil in my heart until I know what is really important to me, and how I am going to go forward.

A Lesson on Gratitude from a Yogi that Teaches Indoor Classes in Outside Voices

It is no secret that I will try any fitness discipline. It wasn't always this way. It wasn't until about one year ago that I finally gave in and "tried" yoga. Convinced that a yoga practice was not a good fit for my high intensity, endurance athlete workout personality I wrote it off for years. My first class went surprisingly well. I have natural flexibility and balance developed through years of dance. I was in no way flowing through a series of advanced poses like a pro, but my body and my muscles and most importantly my spirit were responding to the practice like a drink of cold water after a hot summer run.

Don't get ahead of yourself. I am not going to go "find myself" in India and return to open a Yoga studio, wear toe socks, and burn incense. I hate incense.

More than inspiring a rigorous practice, Yoga has increased my receptivity to all fitness disciplines. This week I am trying CrossFit for the first time, and I am totally scared out of my mind.

After my introduction, I was on a roll. I was attending class two or three times a week. It was keeping me stretchy and sane a midst the roller coaster of emotions of injury induced depression after plantar fasciitis benched me from running for the first time in seven years. Although I attached no specific goals to my practice, I was noticing improvements. Poses that were once awkward seemed natural. Then about two months ago, I let my Yoga practice disappear from my schedule. My stress immediately returned, but as more time passed the thought of having to retrain my body seemed to only add to my frustrations.

Two weeks ago I returned to my practice. It was disgusting. I could feel every imbalance and knot in body. Luckily, my only goal for the class was to show up, and stay the entire time. The class was the Monday night class taught by Jen at Prairie Life in Midtown. When I showed up for class, and then again afterward, Jen told me that she was honored that I came to her class. I did not immediately register the impact that such a simple statement of gratitude had on me. I apologized for the sad state of my practice, and thanked her generously for "putting up with me." The fact that someone would be honored by my presence at a class seemed silly. At my best, I am nowhere near the best. I am a runner, not a Yogi. All arguments aside, those kind words motivated me to take two more classes that week, and two the following week. I am starting to get my stretch back. Whoop!

It is easy to forget to be thankful for the people who choose to spend their time with us. I am stretched pretty thin myself, and the things I do, and company I keep are important enough to make time for. Jen's gratitude was a reminder to be thankful and honored by the time others give to me.

Thanks you Jen, for reaching out to me with your simple words of gratitude. Your kindness was powerful enough to reinvigorate my much needed yoga practice and inspire gratitude within my own spirit.

p.s. I promise next time I come to your class I will work extra hard to lengthen my hamstrings on my downward dog so I don't have to readjust my hands when I flow into plank. Someday, I will master the basics.

Giving Up Bad Habits - Starting With My Alarm Clock

Starting this week I am giving up my alarm clock (except for when absolutely necessary, for example I get a super rockin’ boyfriend and have a reason to stay up late, and a super rockin’ job that requires me to get up early).

I technically have plenty of free time in my day to get a solid eight hours of sleep a night. Why I have chosen not to take advantage of it makes absolutely no sense. Perhaps sleep deprivation is making me nonsensical!

Here’s the deal - I really like getting up early. To maintain my sanity, I need personal time every day. I currently have about 15 roommates (slight exaggeration unless you are counting the dogs too). This hour in the morning from when I wake to when I hit the gym is my “special quiet time”. I like think that I will eventually fill this time with meditation or a personal yoga practice, but I am currently using it to take care of small tasks I was too lazy to do the previous evening (which is also quite cathartic). I enjoy getting a head start on the day, AND I get to use the bathroom before anybody else gets up!

The fitness magazines I “read” while on the elliptical machine suggest getting plenty of sleep is the secret to losing weight. I am pretty quick to disregard such sources of advice because they also publish such groundbreaking research like “drinking plenty of water is good for your health.”

I recently became educated on the effects of elevated cortisol levels on health. It is some SERIOUSLY SCARY STUFF. I am not going to outline it all here, but it essentially goes like this: (not enough sleep) -> (elevated cortisol) -> (terrible health) -> (death). Google it.

Luckily, I have plenty of time to sleep. I just need to do some rearranging and make a few compromises.

1.If you want to wake up early, you must go to bed early.
2.No p.m. caffeine unless I am planning to party my face off.

This should be pretty simple to implement, and I seriously need the rest if I am going to tear it up (or get torn up) at CrossFit this week.

I am a Recovering Vegetarian - A Paleo Education

I am a recovering vegetarian.

By chance I recently came into acquaintance with some individuals who practice the Paleo diet. Before you gear up to battle me with every argument in you arsenal about why I should not be on a "diet," hear me out. I have immersed myself in nutrition and fitness information for the past six years, and I still suffer from digestive dis-function more than the average person. I placed 11th at a recent cross country race, with an injury, six hours after binging on hummus and flat bread - only to binge again to the point of illness two hours post-race. I have only had fast food, or any fried food for that matter, once in the past three years. It troubles me that I cannot manage to go a day consuming less than 2000 calories without feeling the onset of starvation. The math doesn't add up.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to do everything in your power to have a healthy body, and still suffer from ill health? If I have a slice of pizza, I will feel it for five days. IT IS TERRIBLE.

I have never been a full fledged vegetarian. I ate meat occasionally (maybe 2-3 times a month). From everything I have studied before, plants are the best way to get EVERYTHING. I have watched documentaries on American meat industries that make it almost worth cutting a few years off of my life for the sake of preventing animal cruelty. I really haven't discussed this "eat style" with anyone because more than anything, I feel bad. Eventually I want to move to exclusively humane meats, but to be honest, I am just learning my A,B,C's when it comes to eating meat.

To apply one discipline to another, Joseph Pilates once said something to the tune of, "you have to be where you are to get to where you are going." This is a paraphrase. Google failed me on my search for the direct quote, but you get the point.

So -- I roasted a chicken tonight - with my mom. It was great fun.

Everyone enjoyed watching me try to carve the finished bird. (super serious) It is a good thing I am not a surgeon.

It was delicious. Much more delicious and filling than all of the loaves of bread I have eaten in the past few months. We roasted veggies too. After I had eaten my fill, I waited for my second wind. I worked out today, and I should be so hungry I could eat a truck load of food, right? It didn't happen. I just sat down satisfied and wrote this.

I am so lucky to have a family that is supportive of my experiments in health and fitness over the years. I cannot be classified as a yo-yo dieter, as I have remained (within five pounds) the same weight my entire adult life. I am just passionate about finding a path through the maze of conflicting nutritional "information" available today.

I just want to feel good - and live an active life that makes me happy.

I have leftovers for my lunch tomorrow. So excited.






.

11.7.09.01

11.7.09.01 (from the archives - Nov. 2009)

I love magazines; I play with the edges of the pages as I flip through. I also have an embarrassing case of “advice column envy”. Despite the unrealistic idea that anything on these pages will be at all applicable to my life, I indulgently soak up “tips to live your busy life with more style, less stress, and without looking like you are sleep-deprived-and-running-twenty-minutes-late.” Featured is a model, sporting an ultra fashionable clothing suggestion suitable for working, partying, grocery shopping, and taking on “general tragedy in Africa”. I can relate, right? I know what it’s like to pick out clothes that will make it through the entire day, but my closet screams “uninspired business casual + jeans.” I’ve got my own daily survival strategies. To feel refreshed in between the stages of my day, I brush my teeth in the bathroom at work. My coworkers suspect OCD. I wonder if magazine chic also flips through glossy pages on the elliptical machine to pick up fashion tips as she sweats out a long day’s stress. She likely does… in her superwoman multitasking dress. What a dream – fantastic unreality!

11.7.09.02

11.7.09.02 (from the archives - Nov. 2009)

I was on a run last Sunday, midtown to downtown; it’s a good route for hill training. The streets were so empty. As I heaved myself over the final steep slope, I noticed some of Saturday night’s leftovers trudging aimlessly ahead of me. It was chilly, but she wore a coat and shorts. She walked awkwardly…due to the daylight, I believe. She was thin, but the skin on her legs was dull and transparent. It hung from her muscles, held up by youth alone. It wouldn’t be long before that was gone as well, and her body would hang from her frame like an overused dishtowel. As I jogged past, I felt my body shrink away from the chilly air. I felt shame.

11.18.09

11.18.09 (from the archives - obviously Nov. 2009)

The first thing I ever wrote that I personally liked was an essay for a women’s lit course. It was about the embodiment of experience.

The glorious masterpiece of a pretentious novice, it reeked of newly liberated feminist voice. Now, taken out of that context, I have come to appreciate the ways in which its existence has at different times resurfaced in my life.

Elated that I had created something that I truly loved, I had my boyfriend at the time read it. He set the paper down slowly after reading, and commented simply that he didn’t really understand it, but was glad that I had done a good job. The paper was not filled with complex themes or heavy vocabulary, so his comment did not make much literal sense. I left the situation slightly “put off” and confused, but I have not thought about it much since.

Three years later, in a recent declaration of my ambitions to pursue writing (first as a serious hobby and hopefully transitioning into a career) I was met with a strikingly similar response. I got the emotionless stare and, “That’s good. You really like writing.”

Upon hearing this echo from the past, I finally “got it”. This was the “white gloves” way of saying, “I think you are full of shit.” In hindsight, I think most people realize this. I am naïve to shield my pride.

Truth be told - It is more likely that I will fail than succeed. I need a lot of work. My stories need better form. I am terrible at writing dialogue. This journal will probably eventually be erased, and forgotten. At this point, I really have little to lose. I do know that I could spend every ounce of my creative energy molding words into ideas in ways I have never been able to express through other mediums.

I still have that first paper.
It will wait in a folder until I make good on a bet that I’m not bluffing.
There is a sticky note on the file…
“Come back to me when you have done something with yourself.”

A Forward Looking Perspective

A Forward Looking Perspective (from the archives - December 2009)

About three months ago, I remember being extremely stressed about the upcoming months of 2009. Not without reason, I have been living two full time lives... in two cities. I am never fully tired; I am never fully awake. My body is threatening to fall apart, held together by my diehard devotion to healthy lifestyle choices.

I am two weeks from the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am the only one still in the game. Select family members and loved ones alike have jumped ship. There was a recent occurrence when I had returned home after a two hour round trip to Lincoln on a Saturday morning to take a test when my sister asked if I was Okay. I replied that I was obviously Okay, and I started describing my frustrations when I crumpled to the floor in uncontrollable tears. “They all said they were here for me, and now they are all gone, everybody is gone. I am supposed to be the one who is getting through a hard time in my life.” I am rational to a fault, but purposely maintain no filter for my emotions. I think it is unnatural to hold that stuff back. I felt selfish and terrible as I fell to pieces. After a few moments of complete ruin, I pulled myself together, went for a run, studied for seven hours, and enjoyed an evening with friends. There is a tattoo on my side that reads “Hold on dear life.” It sounds really cheesy, but I love it. It is optimism viewed through the lens of pain and struggle.

I just finished packing three boxes for my move in a few weeks. I organized my papers and made my two week to-do list of everything that needs to be accomplished before I have the least ceremonial graduation in history and make the least monumental transition to the next segment of life. I feel lucky that most people got tired of asking “what are you going to do with your life” a year ago.

This is the point in this composition that I should close with a forward looking optimistic generalization about the future, but I’ve been a planner and list maker since I could spell, and shit has never failed to hit me - head on like a freight train in the middle of the night. “Hold on dear life.”